Hidans Wonderful Adventure to Konoha
by TRIGGER M00NSHIELD
Summary: Hidan is disguised as Kakashi and has infiltrated the Hidden Leaf village. Enough said... Lols will be had
1. Chapter 1: The Disguise

**So this is a random thing I came up with the other day.**  
**It is as mentioned, pretty random but enjoy it anyway!**

* * *

"That one! That one right there!"

Hidan crossed his arms and followed the finger that Kakuzu was pointing at Kakashi Hatake.  
The Copy nin had just exited the gates of Konoha and was off on what was probably a long mission.

Kakuzus bookkeeper had recently been killed in the crossfire of a shinobi fight and the miser was worried that his records and cheque history was on his person when he died.  
This meant that the instant his body was searched, Konoha would have information on the Akatsukis self-proclaimed treasurer.  
As a result of this, The Zombie Brothers were camped outside the gates of the Hidden Leaf Village waiting for an opportunity to infiltrate.  
Of course, Kakuzu had elected that his partner be the one to do said job.

Stamping his foot impatiently, Hidan turned his head away.  
It wasn't until he heard a growling sound and turned back that he saw Kakuzu glaring at him.  
"Tch… Fine… You owe me big time for this, Kakuzu you asshole."  
The priest threw his partner an annoyed look as he sighed, mussing up his hair until it defied gravity and stood up at one side then dressed into the Konoha jounin outfit that Kakuzu had neatly sewn together a half hour before.  
Hidan slipped on the spare, unmarked Hidden Leaf Hitai-ate that Itachi had left lying around after claiming it to belong to one of the first Uchiha when Konoha was established (cause that's really something you leave lying around…)  
The priest crossed his arms and glared back at Kakuzu who as yet, had not said a word.  
A silence descended upon the two as Hidan glanced through the trees at the man he was trying to impersonate.  
Everything was perfect…

Old as shit Konoha Hitai-ate, check.  
Jounin outfit, check.  
Weird glove things, check  
Complete lack of tasteful hairstyle… Check…

He widened his eyes however, when he realized something wasn't right.  
Glancing around on the ground, Hidan realized there was one crucial thing missing.  
He almost smiled with relief, it wasn't like he actually WANTED to do this and now maybe he didn't have to.

"Kakuzu, we don't have a mask. I cant impersonate this asswipe if I don't have the fucking mask."

Without a word, Kakuzu reached into his pocket and withdrew a jet black face mask.  
Hidan raised an eyebrow at his partner when he uttered, "It's a spare."  
Grudgingly, the priest took Kakuzus mask and put it on, not bothering to complain because in all likeliness, it would end in a fist fight.  
For once, Hidan was not in the mood for one.  
The miser looked his partner up and down, walking in circles around him to inspect the disguise.  
His eyebrows furrowed slightly, making Hidan very nervous.

"Theres something missing…"

Hidan tilted his head in surprise, looking at himself and then at the real Kakashi.  
It didn't look like he had forgotten anything…  
Frowning slightly, he impatiently turned back to Kakuzu and growled, "I don't see whats miss- OW FUC-mmmph…"  
Kakuzu covered Hidans mouth with his hand while the priests swearing fit continued.  
He didn't really care for his partners discomfort, he would walk it off anyway.  
Kakuzu just didn't want him making too much noise.  
When Hidans cursing and struggling finally stopped, Kakuzu let him go to inspect the damage he had caused.  
Blood trickled from the large cut that he had inflicted from the top of Hidans eyebrow, to half way down his cheek.  
Hidan growled at him under his breath,

"Whats your fucking problem!? The headband was going to cover up my eye anyway! What did you want to do, hurt me or something?"

Kakuzu nodded, "Yes."

"Well fuck you then."

It took a lot longer for his immortal body to heal scar tissue than it did fresh wounds.  
For the rest of the day Hidan would have a mark but when he woke up the next morning, it would definitely be gone.  
They waited 20 minutes until Hidans bloody cut closed up and contracted into a scar.  
The now dry blood was cleaned up and the priest righted everything that need righting.

"And remember, no swearing."

Glaring at Kakuzu, Hidan turned and stomped off towards the Konoha entrance gate.

The gate keepers, Kotetsu and Raido looked up at him as he entered the village and grinned at him as he walked past.  
Waving their hands they cried out, "Hey Kakashi! That was a quick mission! Did you forget to take the mission scroll with you again, or are you practicing being on time?"  
The real Kakashi would have waved at them and smiled without saying a word before vanishing into thin air.  
Hidan, not in a mood to play around let alone act out someone elses personality, yelled over his shoulder, "Fuck off you dumb shits."

He stalked off into the village, leaving a gaping, dumbstruck Kotetsu and Raido in his wake.  
When he was out of sight, Kotetsu whispered, "Wow… as if our egos needed even more damaging…"

Hidan stomped through the streets of Konoha without the slightest idea where he was or where he was going.  
Kakuzu hadn't been specific, nor did he give him any directions at all as to where the body of his book keeper might be.  
He muttered curse words under his breath which were thankfully, muffled by his mask._  
At least I haven't been recognized by this douche-bag Kakashis friends or anything._  
Several people yelled out hellos and greetings to him but Hidan was so caught up in his own world that he completely ignored them.  
Luckily for him, Kakashi usually did the same thing too.  
There was one greeting however, that he couldn't ignore.

"Kakaaaaaaaaashiii!"

A giant man with long white hair and a seedy disposition collided with Hidan midstride and latched onto his arm.  
The undercover Akatsuki member was so surprised he forgot to react.  
Which was probably a good thing because if he had, it would have been with violent swearing.  
To make things worse, Hidan didn't recognize this guy at all which meant he couldn't call him by name._  
Have to do something to not look suspicious…_  
He tried desperately to remember the speech habits of Kakashi Hatake, if he didn't know this guys name then he at least had to greet him with something suitable._  
What was it he said when he spoke to the gatekeepers this morning… Something short and stupid… What-was-it-what-was-it-what-was-it!_  
Hidans face grew red in irritation._  
Don't-swear-don't-swear-don't-swear…_  
Deciding to try the first thing that came to mind, Hidan hesitantly greeted,

"Hey bro?"

The white haired man in front of him didn't budge an eyelid (so Hidan at least assumed he got the greeting right) instead the man shoved a little orange book under Hidans nose and pointed to a very scary picture.  
It took him a few seconds to comprehend what he was seeing.  
Hidan suddenly yelped in fear and pushed the book out of the way, a slight nosebleed and stomach ache coming on.  
He was all for sex but it wasn't the sort of thing he read or looked at!_  
Ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew! What sort of fucking pervert reads porn in public!?_

Hidan gagged slightly and looked the other way until his nausea past.  
He briefly wondered if he had upset the man with the scary book but upon facing him, realized that he was grinning ear to ear.  
Waggling his fingers in the air, the white haired man eyed Hidan creepily.

"Whenever you react like that Kakashi, I know that I have written and drawn the books well."

Hidan glanced at the book again and noted the title was Icha Icha Paradise._  
Ohhhhhhhhhh…._  
Where had he seen those before…?  
He didn't go to libraries so that was a dead end…  
Maybe someones bookcase in their room back at the base…  
Kakuzu only read financial things and the stocks in the papers, Zetsu only read stuff about gardening, Tobi read kids books, Deidara read about art, Kisame read about the ocean and sharks or something…  
Itachi read a little orange book with a…  
A switch clicked in Hidans head as he remembered.  
Itachi and Sasori often got together to read books from that series and constantly fawned over the author, which seemed to be the man in front of him.

Hidan felt like bashing his head against a wall in his effort not to swear.  
For the life of him he couldn't remember the name of this freaky pervert in his way._  
I-have-heard-the-name-so-many-damn-times-its-not-funny!_  
With little options left, Hidan decided to approach the situation aloofly and avoid names where possible.  
Rubbing the back of his neck, he smiled uneasily and replied,

"Yes, you have done a very good job on… that…"

Now he knew why Kisame, Deidara and himself weren't allowed into Itachis room when him and Sasori were discussing 'business'.  
He used to get furious for not knowing what they were doing, but now he felt he was better off being oblivious in the first place.  
Hidan forced his attention back onto the man in front of him who at the moment, was saluting him and saying something about his filthy book.

"-and then Naruto said, "Jiraiya, that book is filthy, dattebayo" but he is just not mature enough to understa-"

JIRAIYA!_  
That's the fuckers name,_ Hidan thought.  
Not a wonder he couldn't remember though, his brain had obviously repressed the name as soon as he saw the familiar orange cover.  
Whatever the case, Hidam needed to get away from the guy, sneakily if possible.  
He got the feeling that Jiraiya would follow him around like a lost puppy if he didn't ditch him quickly and harshly.  
Hidan glanced back at him.  
Jiraiya had seemed to go off on a tangent with whatever he was saying.

"-aruto tried tearing up my precious manuscript and I told him, noooooooooo, Kakashi wants to read that, don't make your sensei upse-"  
_  
This Naruto kid seems to have the right idea.  
Why are we trying to kill him again…?_  
Hidan shook his head.  
Who cares at this point? What he really needed was a distraction…_  
Distraction, distraction…_  
The best way to distract someone, obviously, was to point and yell something that attracts attention before running off at the speed of light._  
It works on Kakuzu anyway, _Hidan mused.

"Look! A polar bear!"

Hidan made exaggerated movements and pointed into the distance over Jiraiya's shoulder.  
To his surprise and annoyance, the white haired man gently pushed Hidan backwards out of his personal space and lowered his arm for him as he kept yapping away about his dirty, disgusting novel.

"I couldn't believe it, you know? Its so discouraging every time Naruto calls my book dirty, disgusting and all that… But I keep writing for your sake, Kaka-"

_Dear Jashin…_  
This guy just never stops.  
Hidan raised a finger to his chin in thought._  
What would scare him enough to make him piss off and leave me alone…?_  
Pointing in the opposite direction, Hidan yelled,

"Look out! A meteorite is headed for earth!

"-so then I laid my moves on her and was all like, "Cmon Tsunade! Lets go get hammered" and because there was alcohol involved sh-"

"Look out! It's a Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi!"

"-but the bar was closed so we had to-"

"Look out! It's Madara Uchiha, alive and well!"

"-Naruto just so _happened_to show up and he still had the condom I gave him the other da-"

"Look out! The Akatsuki are attacking!"

"-so I played hard to get and told her I had to work on my novel but she made me do the mission report anyway-"

"Holy hell! A naked woman!"

"WHAT WHERE!?"

Hidan used the immediate distraction to run off in the other direction.  
He was beginning to think yelling and pointing wasn't going to work.  
Obviously, he should have yelled that out in the first place…  
It was cliché to yell about a naked woman to attract a perverts attention but who was he to complain…  
It worked!  
As he dashed through a crowded street, Hidan congratulated himself on his amazing technique._  
I bet it works on Itachi and Sasori too…_  
He made a mental note to find out.

A small girl holding an ice-cream ran in front of him as he dashed through the streets and Hidan narrowly avoided knocking her over by skidding to a halt.  
She raised her arms over her head in defense as he towered above her.  
Ignoring the girl completely, Hidan bent over, his hands on his knees and huffed, slightly out of breath.  
That was close…  
A soft sniffle caught his attention.  
He glanced up.  
The little girls ice cream had fallen to the ground and was melting in the sun._  
Uh-oh…_  
The little girl glanced up at Hidan silently with tears in her eyes._  
Awhh shit…_  
Why was it that all kids cried when their sweets fell on the ground…?_  
Hasn't she ever heard of the ten second rule?_

"Uhh… Don't cry kid…"

The sniffling grew a little louder.

"Seriously… Crying doesn't solve shit…"

Sniffling gave way to gasping sobs and Hidan glanced around frantically._  
How the fuck do you get them to shut up? Is there a snooze button or something…?_  
Hidan sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"See, this is why I don't want kids…"

The little girl started wailing.  
Hidan slumped his shoulders, closed his eyes and grit his teeth._  
Don't-kill-her-don't-kill-her… _  
He looked around and noticed that other villagers had started staring at him and the little girl he was obviously mistreating.

"Oh for fucks sake!"

Hidan put his hand in one of the pockets on the jounin jacket and pulled out his coin purse.  
The little girl stopped wailing, sniffled and rubbed an eye instead.  
He hated giving away money, maybe it was something he picked up from Kakuzu.  
After rooting around in his coin purse for a few seconds, Hidan found a few coins.  
Holding them out in his palm he offered them to the little girl.

"There. Just go buy another- HEY!"

Before he could finish, the little girl snatched the money and bolted down the street away from him, giggling.  
Growling in annoyance, Hidan tossed his coin purse back into his pocket before reaching over his shoulder for his scythe…  
Which wasn't there.

Jashin fucking dammit!

He had left it with Kakuzu when he entered the village.  
Red with fury, Hidan took a step to give chase to the googly-eyed brat that he was going to dismember, decapitate and disembowel before he realized that he had attracted a small crowd.  
Nearly everyone in the street had stopped and was watching the scene with stony faced interest.  
Instead of yelling profanities at the girl as he had been planning, Hidan instead shook a fist in her direction and called out,

"Didn't your parents ever teach you to say thank you!?"

Seemingly satisfied with his reaction, the street came to life once again and the villagers bustled around once more.  
Sighing in irritation, Hidan vowed to return to the village in the dark of the night and kill the little girls entire family.  
He glanced around in boredom._  
Now what?  
_Something shiny caught his eye and Hidan was about to investigate what appeared to be a weaponry stall when he heard the dreaded cry of, "Kakaaaaaaaaaashhhhhhhii!" in the distance.  
That means Jiraiya…  
Which means it was time to go.

Hidan proceeded to race as far away from the voice as he deemed possible.


	2. Chapter 2: Attack of the Clones

He leant against a fence in one of the back streets gasping and holding a hand to his heart.  
If he weren't immortal, he was sure he would have had a heart attack and died from all that running.  
Hidan scowled slightly, wishing it were Kakuzu in his shoes instead…  
That asshole COULD have a heart attack…  
Five of them.  
Hidan sniggered at the thought of Kakuzu writhing on the ground in pain._  
Stupid fucker…  
_  
"Kakashi-sensei!"

Hidan groaned.  
For Jashins sake, he had only just gotten his breath back…  
A blonde haired kid with blue eyes and a bouncy sort of look to him raced towards Hidan at lightning speed.  
Hidan didn't bat an eyelid as the boy just about bowled him over in his attempt to catch up to him.  
Panting slightly, the boy looked up at him and scowled.

"Kakashi-sensei, you said you'd help train me today! I've been waiting for hours!"

Wait…  
Hidan paused and looked the boy up and down.  
Blonde hair… Blue eyes… Orange jumpsuit…  
Orange jumpsuit…?  
Was this…  
A prison escapee?  
Hidan raised an eyebrow and looked down at the boy.

"Seriously, who are you again?"

The boy growled at him.

"I'm serious, dattebayo! You aren't getting out of it again with your lame excuses! Why were you late this time!?"

"Because I had to drastically change my appearance in order to sneak into a rival village because my partner is too much of a lazy ass to do it himsel-"

"LIAR!"

Hidan raised an eyebrow.  
Actually he had been telling the truth that time…  
Oh well.  
The boy grabbed his sleeve and started trying to drag him towards wherever the training ground was.  
Hidan stood fast, barely having to move.  
As he watched the boy struggle to pull him, a girl with pink hair, green eyes and an assortment of red clothing turned the corner.  
Upon seeing the two she sighed, pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head.

"Honestly Kakashi-sensei… Just do what Naruto wants for once… If you do then he wont bother me."

Wait…  
Hidan paused and looked the girl up and down.  
Pink hair… Green eyes… Red clothes…  
Was this…  
…Who the fuck _was_ this?

He shrugged.  
At least he knew the other kid was Naruto, even though he probably should have recognized him in the first place.  
During the weekly meetings at the Akatsuki, Pein often replayed images of the different shinobi teams that inhabited the various villages along with their strengths and weaknesses, providing they were known.  
Hidan usually fell asleep during said meetings but was sure he could remember some of the names.

"Uhhh… Hello Ino."

The pink haired girl frowned, looked at Naruto, then back at Hidan.  
She narrowed her eyes and took a threatening step closer.  
Hidan faltered.  
Oops… Wrong name?

"Hello Kakashi-sensei, Sakura, Naruto."

A person with long blonde hair, done up in a ponytail at the back with half of their fringe covering their face appeared behind them.  
Hidan squinted and looked at the person sideways before establishing that it was in fact a girl and therefore NOT Deidara._  
Not that there is much of a difference,_ he sniggered inwardly.  
The girl in pink – Sakura – looked behind her and raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Hi Ino. I didn't see you. For a second I thought Kakashi-sensei was an imposter!"

The two girls laughed heartily while Hidan thanked Jashin that he hadn't been caught…  
Kunoichi were scary to fight…  
Seriously…  
Naruto narrowed his eyes.

"Trust me, he isn't an imposter! Only Kakashi-sensei could come up with such stupid excuses for being late…"

Sakura shrugged her shoulders and nodded in agreement while Hidan scowled at being called a liar.  
Ino giggled and waved a hand at them all in farewell before grumbling something about being late to work at the flower shop.  
Hidan didn't mind.  
The less people around, the less he had to talk, the less chance he had of being caught.  
He glanced at Naruto.  
It couldn't hurt to train him a little bit…  
What could one kid possibly do?

Hidan ate his words when they arrived at the training ground.  
Trying not to gape in shock and horror, he looked on silently as the field around him swarmed with thousands and thousands of Narutos.  
They all chattered aimlessly amongst themselves in a meaningless mass of noise, some doing tricks and handstands whilst others had Rasengan wars.  
One of them (Hidan assumed it was the real one) stepped forward and grinned.

"So same as last week, Kakashi-sensei? Us against you?"

Hidan shook his head violently and waved his hands dismissively.  
No way in hell was he doing that.  
Sure he was cocky in battle against a single enemy but sometimes when it came to ninja, quantity won over quality.  
Sometimes…  
If there was one thing being in the Akatsuki had taught him, it was to never underestimate stupid people in large numbers.  
Especially when there is one-fucking-million of them!

"Actually uhh, Naruto… I thought we could practice something different today…"

Hidan rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly as a large puff of smoke appeared accompanied by a popping noise.  
The real Naruto stepped forward out of the cloud with his arms crossed and eyes narrowed.

"What kind of things?"

Hidan paused for a moment.  
In the back of his head he swore he heard Kakuzus voice…_  
Yeah, Hidan… What kind of things?_

"Oh well… Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-"

Naruto raised an eyebrow as his sensei stroked a wisdom beard that may or may not exist under his mask.

"-mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm-"

By this point Sakura had glanced up and was watching Hidan as well.  
Naruto rested a hand on each hip and narrowed his eyes.

"-mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… I got it!"

Hidan had to credit his own genius with this one.

"I want you to demonstrate all the jutsus I have ever taught you, in doing this I can make sure you are doing them right or some shit…"

He mumbled the last part under his breath in hopes that Naruto wouldn't hear it… Which he didn't.  
Instead, the hyperactive blonde gave his sensei the thumbs up.  
Naruto grinned.

"How about we start off with 1000 Years of Death? I've been practicing on Konohamaru!"

A sweat broke on Hidans forehead as he rubbed the back of his neck and asked uneasily,

"O-okay. Before we start, what does this entail and how is it done?"

Naruto frowned and his arms recrossed themselves over his chest.

"Aghh, Kakashi-sensei you know I learn things better by practice, I don't want to explain it."

Hidan started getting nervous.  
1000 Years of Death didn't sound good.  
I mean, it would be no sweat as an immortal.  
But Hidan couldn't let Naruto know he wasn't able to die.  
Even the famous Copy Nin had his weaknesses.  
Hidan glimpsed a person out of the corner of his eye and pointed him out to Naruto.

"Practice on that person over there then, I'll be back in 20 minutes to check up on you."

Naruto glanced over his shoulder at Neji Hyuuga who had just rounded the corner for practice, followed by Ten-ten.  
He looked back at Hidan uneasily.  
1000 Years of Death was funny to do to people like Konohamaru and the younger gennin, but there was no WAY Naruto was sticking his fingers up Nejis butt…  
He wouldn't want to compete with the stick up the Hyuugas ass after all.  
Although…  
Naruto looked back at his rival who was currently activating his Byakugan and beginning training.  
It would definitely be a challenge.  
Grinning cheekily, Naruto looked back up to his sensei stuck out his hand and replied,

"Ok Kakashi-sensei. Promise you will be back in 20 minutes and won't be late this time?"

Hidan grasped Narutos hand with his own in a handshake and replied, "Sure, I-"  
The priest faltered as he glanced at his 'student', the blonde haired boy was glaring up at him dangerously, his hand stiff and not moving.  
The undercover Akatsuki gulped, "I promise I wont be late…"  
Narutos hand became lax again and he smiled happily.

"Okay see you in 20 minutes!"


	3. Chapter 3: Maito Gai and Iruka

Hidan raced around away from the training grounds and back towards the market place.  
Safety in numbers, he thought.  
Got to get away from the freaky pedophiles, annoying students, Deidara impersonators and whiny little girls…

He stopped when he reached the middle of the very busy and very crowded street.  
There didn't seem to be much to do from what he could see.  
I mean, you could buy merchandise of all sorts which would be wonderful if you lived in the area and had somewhere to put them but other than some tea houses and ramen stands, there wasn't much for a foreign visitor to do.

No sooner had the thought left his mind that Hidan spied a jewellery shop.

He glanced down at his Jashin pendant hidden in his breast pocket and noted the crusty blood stains, the weakening chain links, the tarnishing silver and the slight hint of rust in the corners of the triangle.  
Maybe it was about time he got it fixed up.  
Sighing in relief at having found something to do, Hidan crossed the busy street, intent on getting to the shop unscathed.  
Surprisingly, he did.

The shop had its fair share of customers that were all being dealt with in some way or another but it wasn't so busy that Hidan would lose his patience and storm out before he had been seen to.  
He glanced at the jewellery in the cases while he waited for someone who was free to serve him.  
Among the rings and bracelets a familiar pendant came to view and Hidan had to grin.  
Even among pacifists there was always a Jashinist.  
The silver pendant was a lot smaller than his own and by the looks of it, a hell of a lot more expensive.  
He shook his head in disgust.  
Sure he loved his religion but paying THAT much money was downright disrespectful.  
It was rude to make a profit off other peoples faiths.

"That's an interesting Hitai-ate you've got there."

Hidan glanced around to one of the shop keepers, an old man who had come to serve him.  
The Akatsuki nin tilted his head and furrowed his brows._  
Was it? _  
As far as he knew it was just an old as shit piece of metal that Itachi had left lying around.  
The old man reached up to feel the metal and glanced at Hidan curiously.

"I haven't seen one this old that isn't in the museum. You can tell from the teeny tiny markings in the corner when it was made and for who, you know, in case someone went missing on the field."

Hidan started getting nervous as the old man stood on his toes and squinted at it.  
Lack of personal space made the priest uneasy but he dealt with it for a few seconds.  
He drew the line when his face was grabbed and pulled downwards so the man could get a better view.  
Slapping his hands away, Hidan frowned, "Whats the problem, old man?"

"Just curious is all. The markings on that Hitai-ate you are wearing was made over 100 years ago for a…"

The man looked upwards, trying to remember the name he had read.

"Mary… Mardy… Madary Uchiha, I think."

Hidan, realized his cover was close to being blown and therefore, not worth his time dawdling in the jewellery shop.  
He cut the man off, "It's a hand-me-down, oops look at the time, have to go!"  
Before hurriedly exiting the shop.

He closed the door behind him and sighed.  
Stupid Itachi…  
He didn't know that Konoha Hitai-ates could be identified according to their age and the names on them…  
And who the hell was Madary Uchiha…?  
Hidan shrugged.  
The senile old man probably got the name wrong anyway.  
He glanced around, all the effort and continuous scares making him feel thirsty.  
From what he had seen on the run over, he had rushed past quite a few tea houses.  
Setting one foot in front of the other, Hidan waltzed towards the nearest one happily.

"Kakaaaaaaaaaaashhhhhhhhhhi!"

Hidan paused mid-stride and bit his tongue in his effort to not swear aloud._  
Why did I impersonate someone so fucking popular!?_  
He glanced to his left in time to witness something truly terrifying.  
A green blur was heading straight towards him and gaining momentum.  
_No big deal,_ Hidan thought, _I'll just stay here and wait for it to stop… Just like with Naruto._  
Sure enough, the green blur DID stop but not until the body of Maito Gai was brushing up against Hidans.  
Taking a step back and slightly creeped out, Hidan wondered what kind of freak this one was.

"My eternal rival! We are going to have a match!"

Hidans eye twitched.  
No… No they weren't…  
There was no way in hell he was staying around to see what this was all about.

"Today the challenge is who can teach our students a better fighting technique!"

Hidans eyes widened.  
Naruto!  
It had been waaaaaay over 20 minutes.  
The kid was probably looking for him right now.  
Glancing around frantically, Hidan looked for an escapeway.

"On your marks…"

He glanced back towards the ninja in green who had taken up a stance and whose teeth were flashing in the sunlight.

"Get set…"

Uhhhh surrounded on all sides by freaks!  
Seriously, all the Akatsuki had was:  
A giant fish man,  
A talking, color confused plant,  
A doll,  
A deformed guy with 4 mouths,  
A pissy as hell human magnet,  
A chick made of paper,  
Dr. Frankenstein's greatest creation  
And a weirdo with no visible skin and an orange mask.

Itachi and Hidan were probably the only slightly normal ones…

A day in Konoha seemed a hell of a lot scarier than the few years he had been in the Akatsuki…

"GO!"

Hidan dashed away from the freak in green before he even said the word.  
Luckily for him, Maito Gai didn't seem to notice.  
Or if he did, he assumed that Kakashi was getting a head start.  
_  
Go somewhere with lots of people,_ Hidan thought to himself as he raced over the rooftops.  
_No one will recognize you in a crowd…_  
His train of thought come to a halt as he spied what appeared to be a school yard.  
Perfect!  
What kind of high ranking jounin hangs out around a school?

Hidan bounced down to the ground and leaned against a tree in the shade.  
A small rope and wood swing hung from the branches and he had to resist the urge to sit on it.  
It probably wouldn't do well for someone to see Kakashi Hatake sitting on a kids swing, not that Hidan cared for the Copy nins reputation or anything.  
Sighing for the millionth time that day, Hidan slid down the surface of the tree until he was sitting on the ground.  
The genin, by the looks of it, had just been released out to have their playtime before their next classes started.  
Hidan, normally not one to dwell on things, marveled over how little they were.

"Hard to believe something like that can grow up to be a killing machine, isn't it?"

His head shot up at the sound of an unfamiliar voice.  
A tanned man stood above him, leaning against the other side of the tree with his soft eyes gazing out over the children.  
Probably a teacher, Hidan thought.  
The man looked down at him for a reply so Hidan nodded, trying to look thoughtful.  
He raised an eyebrow at the mans choice of hairstyle.  
Pineapple head much?  
Seriously… Who does that…?  
He looked to be about a chunnin rank and had a long thin scar across his nose.  
At least this guy wasn't trying to attack him, shove porn in his face, steal his money, play games with him or inadvertently catch him out.  
He actually seemed like a nice enough guy.  
Nice enough to converse with anyway.  
"How old are they?" Hidan asked with genuine interest.

Before the teacher could answer, an ugly little kid with a strange looking helmet on his head, a tooth missing and a long blue scarf ran up to them.

"Hey! Hey! Iruka-sensei! Can I go home early?"

The teacher, Iruka, glanced down at the boy with a raised eyebrow and facial expression that clearly stated now-why-would-I-let-you-do-that?  
Hidan grinned, actually finding the kids foolish question kind of funny.

"Now why would I let you do that, Konohamaru?"

So this is the kid Naruto practices 1000 years of death on, Hidan thought.  
Could explain the missing tooth…  
Konohamaru pouted and fisted the bottom of his yellow shirt before excitedly replying,

"My cats having kittens and I wanna go see!"

Upon seeing the disapproving face his teacher was pulling, the kid added hastily,  
"If you let me go Ill see if I can get you one for free…"

Iruka snickered and waved him off.

"I don't want a cat Konohamaru-"

"Not a cat! A kitten!"

"Well I don't want one of those either. If your mother comes to get you then you can go. Otherwise you are stuck here with me."

Iruka smiled, put his hands on his hips and ruffled the boys hair fondly.  
Konohamaru pouted and ran off back to the playground muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "It worked on the other teacher."  
Hidan had to grin when the kid turned back around and waved to them.

"Goodbye Kakashi-sensei! Say hello to Naruto for me!"

Hidans hidden eye twitched at the mention of Naruto but he held up his hand in farewell nonetheless.  
When the kid had gone, he glanced back up to Iruka, who realized that he still hadn't answered his previous question.  
"Oh uh-umm… Well the little ones in the separate playground are about 6. The ones like Konohamaru that you will be teaching today are about 11-12."

Hidan nodded.  
Then did a double-take.  
Desperately hoping that he had heard Iruka wrong, Hidan looked up with an worried look and asked,  
"What about me teaching today?"

Iruka laughed and patted him on the back.  
Thinking and hoping that it was a joke, Hidan uneasily chuckled along too.  
Very aware of what he was doing, the priest started looking for ways to escape.  
Standing tall and helping Hidan to his feet, Iruka replied,

"To be honest when I mentioned it last week I didn't expect you to actually show, Kakashi. But its nice to see that one of the jounin will take some time out for the kids."

Hidans mouth dropped open in horror._  
Oh he did not…_

"I was scheduled to teach this afternoon but oh well… I guess this will give me some time to get some mission reports done."

Before Hidan could reply, let alone articulate an answer, Iruka had dragged the stiff bodied priest towards the school building and into the classrooms, completely oblivious that he was about to let his class be taught by a very dangerous criminal that many of them would grow up to hunt.

Unknown to Iruka, Hidan scowled up at him.  
_  
And here I thought I might have like you…_


	4. Chapter 4: Hidan vs The Genin

All was silent.

Iruka had ditched Hidan in the classroom about 30 seconds ago and in that time, no one had made a sound.  
He had promised to return in 5 or so minutes to check up on him but Hidan didn't want to get his hopes up._  
Not with Kakashis reputation for being late anyway… This guy will probably take half an hour to spite me for something this asshole jounin did in the past…_  
Twenty or so 11 year olds gazed up at him in a mixture of awe and amazement at having an S-rank jounin teaching them.  
Hidan shifted his weight onto one leg and a gasp of anticipation ran through the class.  
He rolled his eyes and cocked his head.  
Another gasp.  
He sighed.  
Might as well find out what they knew about him…  
Hidan was inwardly grateful that he would at least be able to get some information on how to act and what to do from these unsuspecting children as he attempted to teach them something.  
He looked out over them, deciding to start with the basics.

"Who here knows about Kaka- umm… me?"

Twenty hands shot up into the air the instant he completed his sentence._  
Wow… Popular guy this Kakashi…_  
And no doubt they all had different stories to tell about him that may or may not be true…  
Hidan decided that he probably couldn't trust these kids after all…  
Especially if they had ALL heard about him.  
That was how myths and legends developed, via the over active imaginations of children.  
His eyes rolled up towards the ceiling in exasperation.  
Might as well have some fun then.  
Time to teach them something that may or may not kill them all…  
Accompanied by a demonstration of course.  
Hidan rubbed his hands together in anticipation as he asked his next question.

"Who here know how to swallow swords?"

No one made a sound but several hands were raised.  
Hidan scratched his head._  
Oh yeah, they teach you what to do if you accidentally swallow a kunai in these classes…_  
That is essentially sword swallowing…  
Next idea then!

"Who here knows how to use will power to stay alive after they have been stabbed in a vital organ?"

A gasp and whisperings filled the room.  
Hidan grinned._  
Struck gold!_  
For obvious reasons he couldn't actually teach how to survive with willpower unless they became Jashinists, but the way Hidan saw it, it would be funny to demonstrate just to see their reactions.  
Pointing to a young girl with white irises in the front row, Hidan said, "You there, what's your name?"  
The girl looked up, surprised and insulted that someone didn't know who she was.  
With her nose upturned and thinking she was the greatest thing in the world, she replied snobbily,

"I'm Hyuuga Hanabi. I come from one of the most highly sophisticated clans in Ko-"

"Yeah, yeah. I don't give a shi-… Uh… Damn."

Hanabis mouth dropped open in shock.  
Who dare interrupt her and not care about her roots?  
No one usually, but to be so easily brushed aside by the great Kakashi Hatake bruised her ego greatly as sniggers and giggles came from the other students.  
Hidan rolled his eyes at her reaction.  
What a little brat…  
He would get her back real good for being a snob.

"Fine, Hanabi. Grab that kunai from the desk and come here."

Regaining her composure, Hanabi shrugged her shoulders as if it were no big deal that she had been so easily insulted.  
The young Hyuuga walked up to the teachers desk and took hold of the kunai that Iruka sensei threatened to shove down their throats when they misbehaved.  
Having accomplished half her mission, she returned to Hidans side and held it out.  
Grinning under his mask, Hidan kneeled down beside her, pointed to his chest and smiled wickedly,

"Stab me in the heart."

Hanabi hesitated, not sure if he was serious, but upon seeing an impatient look under 'Kakashis' mask with her Byakugan, located the heart and stabbed the kunai through it.  
Hidan noted with glee that she stumbled back in horror at the sight of blood.

She had obviously thought he was a shadow clone that would disappear on impact or some other sort of visual trickery.  
Not for a second had she considered that she was stabbing an actual person.

Whimpering slightly as blood soaked through his jounin jacket, Hanabi Hyuuga took a step backwards in fright, her hands incriminatingly soaked with red.  
Hidan yanked the kunai out with a grunt, spilling blood all over the floor and nodded to her.  
A silence descended upon the classroom as every child held their breath, sure that one among them was going to be charged with the murder of Kakashi Hatake.  
Hidan had to stifle his giggles when he held out his arms to their terrified figures.

"See I'm still fucking alive. Willpower brats!"

The reactions were, in Hidans mind, absolutely priceless.  
Several children burst into tears while another fainted at the sight of so much blood.  
The boy that he had seen earlier, Konohamaru, was several shades paler than he was before and the girl next to him gagged and vomited.  
Hidan cocked his head at them and smiled at the sound of crying and screaming.  
Hanabi was still frozen with terror in front of him._  
Stupid brat…_  
He remembered reading something once about children having nightmares for years after experiencing a murder or shocking violence.  
_Good,_ Hidan thought, _now that they are significantly scarred for life, time to get the hell out of here…  
_His chance came when footsteps were heard approaching the classroom and the door swung open.

"Kakashi? I just came to see how you were doi- WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Iruka slapped a hand across his mouth in shock, whether it was because he swore in front of a class full of children or because someone he secretly idolized was bleeding profusely was up for speculation.  
He gasped upon seeing the bloody hole in Hidans jounin jacket and the soaked kunai that had dropped to the floor beside him.  
What ever he had expected to return to his classroom to find, it obviously wasn't this.  
Iruka didn't think to question why his idol was still standing/alive.

"What the hell happened!?"

Without hesitation, Hidan shrugged his shoulders, pointed to Hanabi Hyuuga and without bothering to elaborate replied,

"She did it."

Irukas mouth dropped open upon seeing Hanabis blood soaked hands and the poor girl passed out with the shock at being framed.

Hidan glanced around at the terrified, and in some cases, passed out children and back to Iruka._  
I think its time for me to go…_

"Well… Guess Ill be going then… See you later kids, Iruka."

With a cheery wave and a grin on his face, Hidan jumped out of the window and walked to what he hoped was somewhere far away.


	5. Chapter 5: The Mission and The Pineapple

**Okaaaaaaaaaayy... So to be 100% honest, I have no idea where I am atm but apparently it has internet.**  
**Thats what travelling without the time, phones and calenders does to you people!**  
**But oh well..**  
**I got a better reaction to this story that I initially thought I would - which is good.**  
**So I'll stop talking and such, here is the next chapter!**

* * *

Even when he was 100 metres away from the school, Hidan could still hear the children crying.  
Significantly proud of himself for scarring so many children for life in one sitting, he walked happily through the back streets, being careful to avoid too many people lest they question his bloodied appearance.  
He huffed out a breath of air happily.  
There was no one around and for once he could breathe easily.  
Silently, he wondered if the real Kakashi had to deal with everything he had been through.  
Deep down, he almost pitied The Copy Nin….  
But then he didnt…

The sound of footsteps emanated from around the corner he was approaching and Hidan groaned.  
No doubt this was yet another of Kakashis friends (That Hidan was rapidly coming to hate)  
Sure enough, a tall, bearded man with a cigarette rounded the corner followed by three younger shinobi, one of which he recognized as the Deidara impersonator, Ino.

One of the others wore what resembled body armor and had long, thick brown hair.  
Hidan grimaced at the thought.  
Itachi and Deidara had long hair and although Hidan had no idea how, they kept it very clean.  
This boys however, was almost… mangy…

And the last boy…  
Hidan squinted at him.  
He almost looked like a younger Iruka, what with the pineapple head and all.  
For some reason, Hidan got this overwhelming feeling of hatred for him.  
True, deep, dark, black hatred...

Nonetheless, when they recognized him Hidan greeted them with,

"Hey bro."

Had he been paying attention, he would have noticed the strange look that briefly passed their faces.  
The older of the four grinned and nudged Hidans shoulder with his knuckles.

"How bout that game last night, eh Kakashi?"

Without the slightest idea of what the man was talking about, Hidan nodded and made a noise that was a cross between amusement and agreement.  
With another grin the man held out his hand as if he wanted something.  
Hidan looked the man in the eye and then back to his outstretched palm.  
Not really knowing what else to do, Hidan hesitantly slapped his hand down and gave the smoker a horizontal hi-five.  
The one he knew to be Ino, laughed and nodded her head in approval.  
Sighing, the smoking man slumped his shoulders and muttered,

"C'mon Kakashi… You know you owe me money from that bet you lost."

Hidan squeezed his eyes shut in annoyance…_  
Not a-fucking-nother one I have to fork out money for…_  
Hidan decided that after this was over, he was going back to Kakuzu with or without the book keepers body and demand compensation.  
Crossing his arms over his chest, Hidan looked the other way, knowing that if his temper got the better of him and he swore it would be all over.  
The pineapple head raised an eyebrow at his strange behavior.

"C'mon Kakashi… Hand over the cash and Ill let you borrow my jounin jacket. I dunno what happened to you but you look awful…"

Hidan glanced down in surprise, forgetting briefly that he was covered in blood.  
Silently, he contemplated this deal.  
He probably shouldn't walk around covered in blood…  
But he didn't want to give up more money either.  
_What to do, what to do…_  
Slumping his head in acceptance that either way he was going to have someone hounding him, whether it be for money or to take him to the hospital, Hidan shrugged off his jounin jacket and opened his coin purse.  
He reluctantly handed the man some coins and growled slightly when he grinned and shook his head – a sign that 'Kakashi' owed him more money.  
Grumbling in sadness as he watched his fortune dribble away, Hidan placed more and more coins into the jounins hand until he was satisfied.  
Narrowing his eye at the man, Hidan muttered,

"You shouldn't smoke you know. You're just an asthma attack waiting to happen."

Ino threw her hands in the air in exasperation and cried, "That's what I've been telling him for years!"

* * *

After weasling his way away from Asuma, Choji, Ino and... Shikamaru...  
_Hidan growled as the pineapple heads name crossed his mind._  
He managed to weave his way through out the streets and getting to the front of the line at the tea house by using clever pushing in maneuvers and being generally nasty to young children and their mothers.  
He heard sirens in the distance and vaguely wondered if the Hyuuga brat was getting arrested.  
Sniggering into his tea, Hidan lost track of where he was going.  
He found himself on the edges of town in front of a large building.  
Barely move did he, as he watched a desk fly through the wall in the highest floor followed by a very familiar ninja in an orange jumpsuit.  
After all, that was the norm in Konoha.  
In interest, he followed Narutos decent with his eyes as the blonde boy crashed into the ground.  
The Kyuubi-brat got to his feet, glanced at Hidan and raced over excitedly.

Uh oh... I'm in trouble for being late to practice...

"Kakashi sensei! We have a mission, we have a mission!"

Hidan mentally face palmed.  
Of course they did..  
What sort of bullshit do I have to put up with now...

"An akatsuki member was seen out the front of the village and Grandma Tsunade says we have to go get him!"

Hidan glanced at Naruto in surprise.  
Akatsuki?  
Why would they be here?  
He put his finger to his chin in thought, vaguely noticing Sakura come down the stairs of the Hokage building in front of him.  
Itachi and Kisame were in Kumogakure (apparently)  
Deidara and Sasori were headed for Suna...  
With realization, Hidan figured out who was at the gate.  
Almost laughing at the irony of it, he nodded to Naruto and replied,

"Lets go get that bastard Kakuzu then."

Sakura raised her brows at him.

"How did you know it was Kakuzu?"

Hidan grinned at her, too absorbed in his glee to care he was risking being caught.  
Giving her the peace sign he replied,

"Lucky guess. Was I right?"

Sakura nodded with curious eyes.

"Why were you late back to practice?"

Her question attracted Narutos attention as well and he gazed at Hidan with narrowed eyes, only just remembering that his sensei broke his promise.  
Rubbing the back of his neck, Hidan replied,

"Because I had to teach a classroom full of students how to survive after they are stabbed in the hear-"

"LIAR!"

* * *

**So hope you like.**  
**Sorry I ended it so suddenly.**  
**I kinda just came up with it as I typed it... Which is in the 'Edit Stories' section of haha.**  
**As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!**


	6. Chapter 6: Attack!

**So here goes Hidans attack on the 'evil Akatsuki member hiding outside the village'**  
**Enjoy**

* * *

Kakuzu rested his head on his hand as he sat bored under a tree.  
He had checked his watched continuously since Hidan left and was growing increasingly anxious about the priests disappearance behind enemy lines.  
It had been nearly four hours after all.  
Every bodies favourite miser had decided to ease his anxiety by amusing himself for a while listening to the sounds of chaos his partner was causing.  
Discreetly, Kakuzu had 'borrowed' Deidaras scope when they left the base that morning and he had been following Hidans movements from atop the Hokage monument since his partner had entered the village.  
Although annoying, it had been funny to watch Hidan cope and adapt to the village life.  
After all, last time Hidan belonged to a village (The Village Hidden in the Steam) he ended up slaughtering every single one of its inhabitants…

Kakuzus lips had twitched when he observed the writer of Icha Icha Paradise latch onto Hidans arm and the priests look of horror upon witnessing the pictures in the infamous little orange book.  
Served him right too, Kakuzu thought.  
Itachi, Sasori and himself always told their curious little partners not to worry about the strange little book they read, no matter how much they protested.  
It was all an effort to keep their innocent little minds as least dirty as possible by not allowing them to accidentally delve into the underworld of badly written porn.  
And now, Hidan probably never would.

An amused smile had hidden under the misers mask when Hidan was forced to hand over coins to a little girl whose ice cream he had knocked over.  
Although he had been surprised at Hidans obvious distaste at handing over money, Kakuzu had no doubt he would demand compensation once the mission was over.  
Which should be soon, Kakuzu noted with a glance at his watch.  
Who knew when the real Copy Nin would return?

Despite their need to one day capture the Kyuubi and Kakuzus dislike for the boy which was its container, he had burst into hysterical laughter when Deidaras scope showed him the horrified look on Hidans face when hundreds of shadow clones stood before him, eager for battle.  
Hidan was cocky but he wasn't stupid, and he would have had no illusions about his capability of defeating a few thousand ramen-inhaling potential Hokages.  
He would have to thank Naruto at some point.

Kakuzu had no idea what had happened when the pineapple headed teacher had dragged him into the school, but he was willing to bet it would have been hilarious.  
The shinobi academy was almost directly below where Kakuzu was sitting and he didn't even need the scope to witness Hidans discreet escape through the window and hear the children screaming at whatever the priest had done.  
Whatever it was, it probably involved scarring them for life.  
Kakuzu was amused to note that Hidan had beaten his time record when it came to making children scream.  
And it had been a whole class so he probably got extra points with Jashin.  
He had later watched as one of the small students was escorted out of the building by police ninja, covered in blood.  
Despite his burning curiousity to know what she had done, he knew that if he asked Hidan, the priest would go crazy with the knowledge that Kakuzu could see him the entire time.

Hidan had wandered out of his sight for a while after that and Kakuzus anxiety had returned.  
The undercover Akatsuki still had yet to get anywhere near the morgue and Kakuzu realized with regret that it was because he had never told Hidan where it was.  
No doubt the mission had failed before it began.  
It was okay though, he would still find a way to make it Hidans fault…

His partner had come back into view after a while with a cup of tea somewhere near the front of the Hokage building.  
Hidan (and Kakuzu)'s attention had been drawn to a smashing noise and had both watched in amused interest as the orange clad ninja, Naruto, came tumbling out of the hole in the wall caused by the writing desk that preceded him.  
Kakuzu had soon after zoomed in on the window of the top floor and watched an angry Tsunade stalking around the room she resided in.  
The boy probably did something to piss her off and Kakuzu vaguely wondered if he had something in common with the Hokage when it came to getting hassled by annoying little brats.

It was after this that Kakuzus attention was captured once again as Hidan dashed off towards the entrance gates accompanied by Naruto and the pink haired girl whose name had slipped Kakuzus mind…  
Ino or something.  
And that brought him to the present.

Kakuzu groaned in annoyance as the three man team left the village and followed the fence around its outskirts.  
It would be just like Hidan to get given a mission by the enemy during his mission infiltrating the enemy.  
Funny no?

He followed their movements with dispirited interest, not really bothering to pay attention to their whereabouts.  
Kakuzu vaguely mused over the thought of Hidan getting a mission to capture the Akatsuki member lurking outside the village.  
He chuckled and shook his head, now THAT would be ironic.  
The sound of bushes rustling from behind him alerted the miser to his mission.  
He shook his head, it wouldn't do for him to let down his guard.  
Lifting the scope back to his eye, Kakuzu glanced around the fence line of the village, the last place he saw his partner and his new 'team'.  
He hesitated when he couldn't find their whereabouts.  
They had been following the fence line, he was sure of it.  
So where WERE they?

The rustling sound repeated itself and Kakuzu jumped to his feet and whirled around.  
Nothing out of the ordinary caught his eye but it was better to be safe than sorry.  
Something that sounded suspiciously like a cough or giggle emitted from the bush that Kakuzu was rapidly coming to believe was either possessed or just plain evil.  
Hesitantly and cautiously, he edged closer, dispelling tentacle threads from his hands as he did.  
Definitely better to be safe than sorry…

In one swift movement, he thrust all of his tentacles into the bush, expecting to have accidentally mutilated a squirrel or something in his paranoia.  
Instead, he was devastated to find three ninja jump out and surround him.  
He face palmed in his irritation.  
No doubt they would scream as he killed them, resulting in a village wide panic and renewed effort to capture the Akatsuki.  
He really couldn't be bothered about this shit.  
Without even glancing at the ninja, he sent threads at the one on his left, hoping that in killing one of them the others would be freaked out and leave him alone.  
Unlikely, but always worth a shot…

Whatever the case, he felt the satisfying crunch as his attack made contact with its target._  
That's one down anyway…_  
Glancing up, Kakuzu avoided looking at the ninja he had just killed – in battle it gave the impression of him having no regard for human life and made him all the more terrifying to his opponents.  
He gazed into the shocked eyes of the Kyuubi boy, Naruto and his pink haired partner.  
Something about their being in the same place at the same time struck as something odd to Kakuzu and it took him a few seconds to realize what it was.

"KAKUZU YOU WORTHLESS FUC-"  
_  
Oh that's why it seemed familiar…_  
Because obviously, Hidans mission HAD been to find the Akatsuki member lurking outside the village…  
VERY ironic.  
The pink haired girl and Naruto dashed over to their beloved 'Kakashi-sensei', both of them glaring and baring their teeth at Kakuzu whilst desperately trying to stem the bleeding.  
In their defense, Hidan really was a mess; blood covered him head to toe and gashes and holes of various sizes and shapes covered his body and spurted out bodily fluid.  
Kakuzu noted that he had hit several vital spots and while congratulating himself on his aim he also cursed the fact that he went for Hidan and not one of the others…  
If he wasn't immortal there was no doubt he would be dead.

"-OW WHAT THE FUCK YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM IS BUT WHEN I FUCKING SEE YOU NEXT IM GOING TO FUCKING SHOVE YOUR OWN FUCKING TENTACLES UP YOUR FUCKING ARSE-"

There was no doubt that Hidan would attempt to go through with his threats but given the fact that all Kakuzu had to do was cut off his head, he found it hard to take him seriously.  
He was amused to no end to watch the looks of disbelief that Hidans two 'students' shot their teacher.  
Obviously they didn't realize how fluent he was in the ways of swearing.

"-ND WHEN YOU ARE LEAST FUCKING EXPECTING IT I'LL FUCKING JUMP YOU AND CUT YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF-"

Kakuzu watched his swearing partner thoughtfully, his head tilted in a way that could almost be cute…  
Once you got over the murdering, miserly, thieving, psychotic, greedy and general nastiness that is the Akatsukis self proclaimed treasurer anyway.  
Kakuzu furrowed his brows slightly at Hidan.  
If you will excuse the pun, he swore sometimes his partner had Tourettes Syndrome.

"-WISH I WAS A FUCKING OCTOPUS SO I COULD FUCKING SHOVE ALL EIGHT FUCKING LEGS UP YOUR-"

Despite his desperate attempts to storm up to Kakuzu and bash his brains in, Naruto and the pink haired girl were now successfully dragging Hidan back towards the village for what he assumed was medical help and a few sessions with a psychiatrist.  
Once he was satisfied that Hidan was properly restrained and unable to chase him, Kakuzu lifted his hand and gave his partner a cheery wave before turning on his heel and walking back into the forest to find a better hiding place.


	7. Chapter 7: Learn To Fucking Sew

**This is a little haphazardly thrown togather because my battery is runnin outand i need to upload this.**  
**Ill edit it some other time... enjoy**

* * *

The doctors that hadn't fainted upon seeing him (but were still shocked to see what was basically a walking zombie) quickly lifted Hidan onto an emergency stretcher and wheeled him away from his anxious students and into the theater.  
Within minutes his bloodstream (or lack thereof) was contaminated with a concoction of muscle relaxants, pain killers and several different kinds of anesthetics.  
Being immortal, his body had automatically overridden the effects but he pretended to be knocked out all the same.  
The doctors ignored the fact that his brainwaves were that of someone who was fully conscious.  
After all, their patient should be dead anyway, nothing about this man could surprise them.  
Hidan briefly wondered if the Konoha medics would do a better job of sewing him up than Kakuzu.  
He had never been fussed over so much and despite the fact that it was because he was fatally injured, Hidan felt oddly flattered.  
It was all going fine until they began cutting and stitching.  
The pain was piercing and burned like hell.  
Despite being what many would classify as an emo and self maiming himself constantly, being injured by other people was something he would never get used to and it still hurt like fuck.  
Several times he had to bite his tongue from swearing out loud at the morons who couldn't sew as well as Kakuzu…

* * *

After their sensei was taken away, Naruto and Sakura had anxiously raced up to the observation deck to oversee the procedure with fear.  
Once the doors had closed and they could no longer see Kakashi, Sakura had burst into tears, the reality that they were probably (not) going to lose their teacher finally sinking in.  
Naruto rocked her back and forth comfortingly as she cried onto his shoulder and they over looked the theater, regretting that it had to be such a horrible situation for her to be so close to him.  
A medical officer walked past them as they gazed down at the bloodied body in the surgery.  
He shook his head and patted Naruto on the back in sympathy, his thought being that the man they were watching probably wouldn't survive.  
The orange clad ninja hadn't said a word, instead crossing his fingers behind his back and praying to every deity in existence that they let 'Kakashi' live.  
I don't know about anyone else, but Jashin sure was listening…

* * *

Two hours into the procedure a careless doctor who was stitching Hidans arm poked a nerve.  
Now, everyones favourite Jashinist had been very patient and VERY tolerant.  
He was very aware that the last time he 'belonged' in a village he killed every one of its inhabitants and so, had tried his very hardest to grit his teeth and deal with the assholes poking and prodding him with little pins and scalpels.  
All this effort went to waste.  
Upon having the nerve in his arm poked, Hidan cracked.

"Alright, that's fucking enough. I've put up with you fucking shitheads stabbing me over and fucking over. This actually hurts more than when that fucker Kakuzu GAVE me the damn flesh wound."

He sat up, only to be pushed back down by several sets of hands which he swatted away irritably.  
Cries of "Please lay back down sir!" and "Get some more anesthetic!" echoed throughout the room, the doctors too frantic to laugh at the mans idea of a flesh wound.  
Hidan growled and pushed away the hands, succeeding in sitting up the second time.  
Annoyed and with horrified doctors watching, he pulled the IV drip and blood transfusion cord out of the vein in his arm.  
Grumbling about the fucking stupidity of doctors and tearing brainwave sticky pads off of his forehead, he glowered at them all darkly.  
From the observation deck Naruto whistled lowly, catching Sakuras attention.

"Kakashi-sensei sure is made of strong stuff Sakura-chan…"

Sakura jumped from her position in Narutos arms and glanced through the window.  
Being well trained in medical ninjutsu and knowing the human body extremely well, Sakura fainted upon catching sight of her very much alive zombie sensei, making Naruto yelp in surprise and worry.

Having removed everything that had been inserted into his body, Hidan pointed to one of the doctors, a man with blonde hair and glasses and growled at him.

"You are fucking hopeless, learn to sew, you fucking arsehole."

The mans mouth dropped open incredulously at the fatally injured man who was insulting him.  
Hidan turned to a red headed nurse who stood backed up against a supplies cabinet, mouth open in shock.  
She had clearly never seen an immortal man before.  
Hidan cut her no slack.

"Grow a brain, bitch. You kept poking me in all the wrong places, honestly, if I wasn't freaking immortal your handiwork ALONE would have fucking killed me."

The woman whimpered with tears in her eyes and nodded in fright.  
Everyone present of course, didn't take the whole 'immortal' thing seriously.  
Later, people who were there would claim that their patient was confused due to the drugs they had pumped into his body whilst others would nod and agree that immortal was a good way to describe the man.  
Even though that was of course, impossible.

"You!"

Hidan finally pointed to an older man who was bald and had no visible teeth.  
He hesitated upon catching sight of the mans appearance.  
Wrinkling his nose in disgust, he muttered,

"You look fucking gross, seriously, no teeth, no hair, no personal hygiene…"

The man lowered his head sadly and nodded, long ago accepting his physical aspects but relentless as always, Hidan continued.

"You smell, you're too fucking skinny, you looking like freaking Uncle Fester… But you can stitch really fucking well… So you're coming with me to a private room to sew me up while these arseholes clean up the mess they made."

With out bothering to explain that technically, Hidan made the mess, being the one covered in blood, the old man nodded frantically, partially in terror and partially glad to have been deemed superior to his colleagues.  
He hurriedly led the way out of the operating theater and towards a recovery room, leaving his two fellow doctors to grudgingly mop up the blood while they recovered from shock.

* * *

Naruto and Sakura were finally allowed to enter the room that their sensei was recovering in after 2 hours of agonized waiting.  
The doctor who had been sewing up the Jashinist seemed relieved to leave the room and didn't bother telling the shinobi to let their sensei rest because after spending so much time with Hidan, who did nothing more than ramble on about random things and swear on occasion, he doubted the man needed it.  
Naruto and Sakura entered the room to find Hidan relaxing back in his hospital bed with his hands behind his head and one leg crossed over the other comfortably.  
There was a lollypop sticking out of his mouth which unknown to his students, he had argued for until he was given despite the doctors feeble protests that they were for the sick children that stayed in the hospital and generally not reserved for adults.  
Upon seeing the faces of his morbidly afraid students, he waved cheerily, a finger wiggling dangerously on his hand and threatening to come undone from the stitches.  
Despite dealing with sick and injured people every day, Sakura held back a gag.  
Naruto blinked.

"How's it going, kiddies?"

The pink haired shinobi burst into tears and raced across the room to fling herself across Hidan.  
She hugged him around the neck and shook him, much to his annoyance and pain.  
Hidan hastily pushed her away as he felt his stitches stretch and grumbled to her,

"Look I'm fucking flattered that you love me so much, seriously, but that fucking hurts."

Sakura jumped immediately, brushing her tears away, mumbling quiet apologies and nodding her head in agreement once she remembered that she shouldn't jump on newly stitched patients.  
Hidan glanced over to Naruto who wandered over from the door and glowered at his sensei, presumably because he had nearly died and hence, would have missed training again.  
Hidan sighed and glanced away from the boy, glad to be hospitalized as it gave him a break from his students intense fighting regime.  
As short a break as his rapidly healing body would allow him anyway.  
Upon seeing the grievous injuries his sensei had attained, Narutos face soften and he smiled at Hidan in relief.  
Hidan grinned, glad to have warranted some sympathy.  
Sakura caught his in his peripheral vision, so he turned to her next.  
He was immensely surprised to see the girl pull a colorful bundle of flowers from nowhere and offer them to him with a smile.  
Hidan glanced at them and then over his shoulder, just to be sure they were actually for him, genuinely shocked that someone was giving him a get well present.  
And not entirely hating the idea…

Sheepishly, he motioned to his arms with his eyes and Sakura took the hint.  
Of course he couldn't accept the flowers in his condition, his arms hadn't the strength to hold anything.  
Although, Hidan could practically_ feel_ the muscle and flesh reconnecting.  
She instead placed them in a vase reserved for such gifts next to his bed, rearranging them so that they didn't droop and he could see them.  
Hidan gazed at them thoughtfully, silently cursing the Akatsuki for never buying him get well presents like these kids were.  
His thoughts were cut short when suddenly feeling an insistent pressure on his lower abdomen, he grunted into a sitting position and swung his legs over the bed.  
His two students reached out to steady him and he found their worry endearing in a weird kinda way.  
Motioning to them that he was okay, he hobbled over to the bathroom present in all the hospital rooms and closed the door behind him.

A few minutes later when he had finished his business, Hidan painfully pulled up his zipper and looked down at himself to inspect his injuries.  
He happily noted that most of the wounds had already closed and he grinned upon finding no resistance when he flexed his muscles.  
Sighing, his legs turned him around to face the mirror.  
When he caught sight of his reflection he screamed.

* * *

**Dun dun...  
Rates and reviews always appreicated!  
Leave them after the beep!**


	8. Chapter 8: Fucking Kakuzu

**This is a really short chapter... Mainly just to keep you in suspense.**

**Enjoy none the less haha.**

* * *

Naruto and Sakura jumped upon hearing Hidans blood curling scream and raced towards the bathroom without so much as a glance at each other.  
They threw the door open, fully expecting their sensei to have accidentally broken some stitches or fallen down.  
Instead, they found him grasping his face and howling at the mirror painfully.  
Alarmed, as he seemed to be in no obvious danger and didn't appear in pain, Sakura gasped,

"What's wrong, Kakashi sensei!?"

Hidan turned to them and they jumped back in fright as his hands clawed either side of his face and he made gasping moans.  
He turned away and glanced back into the mirror briefly before crying out in horror all over again.  
Motioning violently to his body in terror he cried,

"I have stitches everywhere, I'm wearing a mask and did I mention I have stitches everywhere!?-" at this point he motioned to the hospital gown outside the door before he continued, "-Its bad enough they made me wear a dress but now I LOOK LIKE FUCKING KAKUZU!?"

Naruto ground his teeth in silent sympathy as his sensei started sobbing with a sense of vanity they never knew he possessed.  
The mans mask and Hitai-ate was still in place, he had made sure of that before they came in the room, and the 'dress' had been discarded as soon as the doctor had left, Hidan instead favouring to re-wear his bloodied pants, much to Sakuras disgust.  
As per his usual habit outside Konoha, he chose to forget about donning a shirt, much to the delight of nurses that continued to find reasons to enter the room to tidy up this and clean up that, all the while quite obviously checking the man out.

His resulting outfit allowed him to see every single, tiny little stitch the doctor had made.  
They had to admit…  
He really did look like Kakuzu.  
With a shaky voice and dismayed expression at her senseis discomfort, Sakura whimpered,

"D-don't worry sensei… It'll probably heal up like new…"

Hidan froze, his hands still grasping his head and his one visible eye gazing at her silently in contemplation.  
He suddenly realized that she was right.  
Overnight his scars would fade and he _would_ be good as new.  
He had spent so much time posing as Kakashi that he had begun to think he WAS Kakashi.  
Sighing with relief at not being doomed to look like his partner for eternity, Hidan dropped his hands and spontaneously enveloped Sakura in a grateful hug, which he mused, was probably the first time he had ever hugged someone.  
_Shit,_ he thought, _Konoha is turning me fucking soft…  
_Evidently, the girl was as surprised at his affections as he was and the embrace ended awkwardly as Hidan instead left the room and wandered back to the bed, deciding, much to the medic nins horror, to jump back onto it playfully, the bed groaning at the weight.  
Naruto grinned at his senseis newfound energy and bounced over to him excitedly.

"Will you train me as soon as you get better, Kakashi-sensei!?"

Hidan, in a significantly better mood now that his vanity issues were resolved, grinned at the orange clad boy happily and nodded,

"As soon as I am better, seriously!"

"When will you be better?"

"Soon!"

"In a week?"

"Sooner!"

"In a day!?"

"Sooner!"

"Tomorrow!?"

"Set the date aside! We'll have the fucking best training session ever!"

"YEAH, DATTEBAYO!"

Kakuzus superior infiltration skills allowed him to sneak sneakily into the village and sneakily follow Hidan around like the sneaky sneak he was.  
Little did the priest know that a cleverly disguised doctor was carefully watching his every movement.  
This was how he overheard the Jashinists heated promise to Naruto.  
He groaned and buried his head in his palms.  
Hidan, he knew, had always had connection issues.  
The man had never really belonged anywhere which was why despite his hatred of the group, Hidan so valued his status in the Akatsuki.  
Now that two kids were looking up to him in admiration and showering him with love and gifts, the Jashinist was feeling a sense of connection to somewhere outside of his own world.  
The way things were going, the man would end up ditching Akatsuki and killing the REAL Kakashi Hatake, just to retain his position as a beloved sensei to a bunch of people he barely knew.  
It wasn't although he would get caught out either, it wasnt like anyone had actually seen the Copy Nins real face.  
Kakuzu growled irritably at this new development.

* * *

**Also this is unedited so I'll go back over it later - no fireplease.**

**As usual, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!**


	9. Chapter 9: Reinforcements

**This is a real dick move on my part..  
REALLY short chapter lol.  
It might give you some clues as to what I have in mind though.  
I look forward to your guesses!**

* * *

"Seriously, un? I sooooo don't want to do this."

"Oh come on, it's not like you haven't done it before."

"Shut up, yeah! This is YOUR problem, not mine!"

"If I remember correctly Deidara, which I do, you owe Kakuzu."

"How the fuck do I owe him, un!?"

"A few weeks ago he advanced your pay."

"That doesn't mean I have to do something like this, yeah!"

"If you don't, Ill charge interest."

"Now I know why Hidan hates you, un... You're a greedy fucking arsehole!"

"So it's settled. I'll meet you at in an hour."

The Kakuzu clone poofed out in a cloud of smoke, leaving the two Akatsuki members standing in its wake.  
Crashing waves sounded behind them and birds chittering in front.  
They had only just returned from Kirigakure.  
Deidara turned to face Sasori, a look of pure irritation and hatred across his features.  
For his part, the puppet master smiled.  
It wasn't the first time his partner had been forced/tricked to do this sort of thing and quite obviously it wouldn't be the last.  
No doubt Pein will want to take full advantage of it if it succeeded a second time.

Despite the trouble that Kakuzu was actually putting them through, (because they really did have to travel a long way out of their way to get to Konoha) Sasori was honestly looking forward to the event that would follow.  
They had made sure to keep tabs on Kakashi Hatake, he was far out of the picture, on a mission to Sunagakure – a 6 day return journey.  
There would be plenty of time for this to go down.  
Rubbing his hands together and biting his lips to stem his excitement, Sasori grinned.  
Oh and down it will definitely go…

* * *

**Isnt Sasori a little bastard?  
I haven't done too many fics with Sasori or Kakuzu so I figured I should involve them somehow.  
So far I've only written Kakuzu crying because no one buys him ice cream while he sits at the table reading a newspaper...  
A Kisame one is long overdue as well me thinkies.**


	10. Chapter 10: Coconuts

**So welcome back and thanks for tuning in.**  
**It's been... I dunno... Maybe a week since I updated? Maybe not?**  
**I tune out during September (Wake me up when it ends)**  
**Urrrhhh so in personal celebration of my birthday I formally and officially declare that I will think of something to declare!**  
**Also happy birthday to Scarecrow Porn whose name resides in my calender under the 15th... I THINK its Kakashi.**  
**I probably shouldnt have come up with the stupid idea of entering Naruto characters birthdays in my phones under different names...**  
**Oh well.**  
**Enjoy this chapter anyway.**

* * *

Hidan slept reasonably well that night.  
He was well aware that by staying a second day he was probably pissing off Kakuzu to no end and even risking his own skin.  
But who cares? He had a bunch of kids that (he hated to admit) he was beginning to like, he had successfully scarred 20+ gennins for life and to top it all off, he had found out he had access to Kakashi Hatakes personal bank account.  
Oh yes… Life was good.  
The hospital bed wasn't that comfortable but it was much better than the hollowed out rock beds that they slept on back in the lair, for these actually had mattresses.  
Nurses had been coming in every half an hour to check on him until he locked the door.  
Sure any normal man with serious wounds would need looking in on that often but honestly, he was Hidan… and he trying to sleep.  
He was pretty sure most of the nurses just wanted to look at his exposed torso anyway.  
Not something he needed/wanted… But something he could understand.

Naruto and Sakura visited early in the morning with a ninja that Hidan had never met before.  
The boy was pale, very pale, with dark eyes and black hair. He wore a strange top that was cut off at one sleeve and revealed the better half of his stomach.  
Hidan raised a brow at the boys strange dress code.  
He had never been to a male strip club, that being more Kisames cup of tea (or so Hidans intuition told him) but he was sure that this boy walked straight out of one.  
Fortunately, Sakura mentioned his name before Hidan had to try to guess and awkwardly tiptoe around the name game until he knew.

"Sai decided to come and see if you were okay as well."

Hidan nodded, wondering what kind of fruit loop Sai was.  
Everyone else in Konoha seemed to be some kind of nut job so he assumed it was a reasonable speculation.  
Sakura pushed Naruto out of the way and moved over to him.  
To Hidans annoyance, she opened the robe he was wearing to reveal his chest.  
I know I am practically a fucking sex god but come on… seriously…

"I'm just going to have a look at these wou-…."

Sakura paused and furrowed her brows in disbelief. She began to run her hands over his chest, searching for the deep cuts and scratches that had so baffled the doctors the day before.

"Huh…? Your injuries, they're gone!?"

Naruto and Sai glanced over her shoulder in surprise when Sakura cried this last part out.  
Their eyes went wide at the sight of their 'senseis' nearly brand new body.  
Sakura looked to Hidan for some kind of explanation.  
It was obvious that he had been injured but the wounds were little more than scars now.  
A miraculous recovery to say the least…  
Not knowing what else to say, Hidan shrugged and grinned through his mask,

"An act of God."

Naruto, Sakura and Sai nodded their heads in wonder, making Hidan inwardly snicker.  
There was hope of converting them to Jashinists after all…  
Unknown to Hidan, the newcomer, Sai, had been practicing social interactions between his friends and peers.  
He was making quite a lot of progress, having discovered that while being honest is a good thing, when it comes to peoples looks it is better to keep his opinions to himself.  
Flattery was okay though, in fact dishonest flattery was one of the most common things he had observed which led him to say the following sentence,

"I knew that it was only a matter of time before you were beautiful again, Kakashi-sensei."

Sakura and Naruto rolled their eyes and Sai smiled which, given the situation, was excessively creepy.  
Hidan uncomfortably shuffled backwards in the bed a bit, figuring that it was best to keep his distance from this weirdo homosexual.  
Naruto grinned up at him,

"You're going to train me today right, Kakashi sensei? Because Ino, Shikamaru and Choji said they would come alone too, they want to make sure you feel better and all."

Hidan growled under his breath.  
Shikamaru…. Urgh…  
He was warming up to Naruto and Sakura, even Iruka seemed to be alright, but he couldn't see himself conversing with Asumas team.  
Something about them really pissed him off.  
Must have been killed by one of them in a previous life, he mused.  
Hidan opened his mouth to notify Naruto of his change of mind regarding his training session when Sakura cut him off with a thoughtful look,

"Actually, I think Ino, Choji, Shikamaru and Asuma got called away on a mission. Kurenais team as well."

Naruto scowled and Hidan sighed with relief.  
Crossing his arms, the blonde boy turned his head half over his shoulder and started muttering to himself.  
It seemed this display, while making him look like a paranoid schizophrenic, was actually a normal occurrence for Naruto, so Hidan didn't comment.  
What a loony…  
Who seriously gets that pissed off because someone ditched you for training?  
Rolling his eyes, Hidan pulled himself forward with a grunt and swung his legs over the side of the bed.  
Sakura ghosted his movements with her hands, ready to help him if he needed steadying.  
He nodded to her that he was okay and she reluctantly removed her hands. Sais gaze didn't waver from them the entire time.  
Hidan stretched back and yawned loudly.  
He glanced at Naruto, "Well are you ready to start training?"  
As he expected, the blonde boy grinned up to him and nodded like crazy, all homicidal thoughts about Asumas team drifting away in an instant.

* * *

Deidara scowled at Sasori, doing absolutely nothing to help his partner in his conquest.  
They were in a thick wood a few kilometers off the border of the Hidden Leaf Village where they would soon be meeting Kakuzu.  
Being later than they predicted, they (Sasori) had decided to prepare ahead of time.  
Deidara stood stiff as a board as the puppet master dressed him in the clothes that would serve as his disguise when he infiltrated the village.  
The clothes themselves were only half the cover and his body had to undergo many other changes.  
Despite his usual immunity to pain, Deidara couldn't stop himself from screaming out when Sasori had held him down and put that disgusting wax on his legs and arms.  
Of course he couldn't shave it off, it had to be waxed…  
Stupid sadistic fucking puppet…  
Sasori nudged Deidaras arm away from his body to give him room to slide fishnetted arm pieces on.  
He growled when Sasori stood back with his finger to his chin in thought, agitated with the entire idea.  
They were silent for a few seconds as Sasori examined his work for flaws and Deidara glared heatedly at him.

Of course, what had happened was simple enough:  
Kakuzu had deemed Hidan unworthy of completing his task and began to panic when he showed signs of enjoying himself and possibly wanting to stay in Konoha permanently.  
The waterfall nin couldn't enter the village himself of course, he stood out way too much and was almost certain to attract attention.  
That's where Deidara and Sasori came in… Or more specifically, just Deidara.  
The Akatsuki had always ridiculed the terrorist for having remarkably similar physical attributes to the Yamanaka clan and it seemed for once, this would come in handy.  
Oh how Deidara had dreaded the look Kakuzus clone had given him when he said that Ino Yamanaka was safely out of the village on a mission…

Deidara sighed and drew himself back to the present and began to stare at the ground in embarrassment.  
Suddenly, Sasori perked up as if remembering something and turned around to root through their packs.  
Deidara glared at his turned back and crossed his arms.  
When Sasori turned around he held a coconut in each hand and an evil smile on his face.

"Hey Deidara?"

The blonde terrorist glared at Sasori, "What, hmm?"  
Sasori grinned at him, clearly enjoying the moment.

"Open your shirt…"

* * *

**So there you have it.**  
**As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep.**  
**Messages shall be left to my self proclaimed secretary, Natalie... Who beats me with pillows apparently.**


	11. Chapter 11: Maps, Porn and Pigs

**Okay, so I have been sick lately and havent really felt like ding anything.**  
**Because of this I have about 2 chapters from each story half written and waiting to be finished.**  
**I just so happened to feel like finishing this one before I go back to sleep for a while, feels weird going to bed at 4pm**  
**So anyway, enjoy this chapter and no hate if its a bit sloppy.**

* * *

Hidan wandered down the streets of Konoha with Naruto, Sai and Sakura.  
Unbeknownst to him, he was starting to pick up the real Kakashis habits, such as the way he walked, fiddled with things and spoke.  
It wasn't a bad thing of course, it just further enhanced his disguise, which was pretty much flawless in the first place if you disregarded his foul mouth and pink eyes.  
Being Kakashi, while troublesome at times, was refreshing, Hidan decided.  
While Konoha had its share of nut jobs, its appeal was superior to that of the Akatsuki for the simple fact that everything was much more comfortable.  
Life in the Akatsuki was very tough.  
Due to boredom and not getting out as much as they should, the members were constantly ignoring, annoying or trying to kill each other.  
Of course that posed no threat to him but it was still irritating.  
More so because he had been used as a human stress ball of late with everything from kitchen knives, clay, wood and plastic toy cars being thrown at him.  
Life in Konoha seemed much more easy going.  
The food was infinitely better which wasn't much of a surprise.  
Hidan had often speculated that the reason the Akatsuki were in such good shape was because they didn't have enough food to get fat on in the first place, normally living off of things that were canned.  
Not to mention the people here seemed friendly and forthcoming.  
It would be a shame to kill them all like he normally would at the end of a mission.  
In fact, Hidan was finding himself more reluctant to sacrifice the village with each hour that passed.  
Except for that kid with the ice cream… She would most definitely be killed.  
And anyway, why destroy a nice place that you could one day return to?  
Not that he was turning soft or anything, but Hidan had a feeling he was definitely going to miss the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

He sighed and looked at the ground.  
_Why couldn't I have been fucking born here instead?  
_Naruto and Sakura glanced up at him worriedly and Sai would have too if he cared.  
Despite his cheery demeanor upon leaving the hospital, 'Kakashi-sensei' had started seeming very depressed of late.  
It wasn't like him and they wanted to know what was wrong.

"Kakashi-sensei?"

Hidan ignored Sakura, momentarily forgetting who he was supposed to be.  
It wasn't until she called his name a second time that he blinked and remembered what was going on.  
Luckily for him, it just looked like he was daydreaming - further evidence that convinced Naruto and Sakura that something was wrong.

"Are you okay? You seem really down."

Hidan mentally swore.  
It was just like him to lose track of what he was doing and convey his emotions through his disguise.  
Knowing a normal excuse like "I'm just bored" or "Never mind" wouldn't appease the evil little children, Hidan gave a half hearted smile and replied with the first thing that came to mind,

"I'm fine, I lost something was all."

Naruto and Sakura glanced at each other with furrowed brows and Sai looked upon the scene phlegmatically, awaiting the opportunity to put his knowledge of human interaction to the test.  
Sakura tilted her head at her sensei in thought.  
There certainly was something different about him, maybe it was…

"Was it your book, Kakashi-sensei? Was that what you lost?"

Sakura looked to Naruto with a surprised smile.  
For once the fool was catching on about something and had beaten her to the chase.  
Hidan sighed._  
Book… Yeah, whatever._  
More like his will to leave the village – which was only for comfort reasons by the way.  
Figuring that the best thing to do was agree, Hidan nodded to the three and tried to look glum.  
Naruto put a finger to his chin In thought and muttered,

"Well Pervy Sage is still hanging around doing his 'research'. I bet he has a spare copy that you can have."

Hidan furrowed his brows.  
Pervy Sage?  
Something told him that this whole book losing situation somehow involved Jirayia…  
Shaking his head and waving his hands sheepishly, Hidan said,

"No no don't worry about it guys, I have a spare copy at home. I'll get it later."

Naruto and Sakura exchanged glances.  
They suspected (correctly) that their sensei was lying.  
Instead of taking the track to the training grounds, Naruto steered the group towards the bath house – the only logical place that Jiraiya would be during said time.  
Hidan didn't realize of course, having never actually been to Konoha before.  
He had thanked Jashin that he was in hospital last night and didn't have to wander around looking for the copy nins house.  
Impersonate someone and they may never know – stay in their house and sleep in their bed and things get a little different.  
Sakura suddenly stopped walking, causing Hidan to just about knock her over.  
He scowled at her and looked ahead to see what had caught her attention.  
The girl he had encountered yesterday – Ino – was walking by.  
She held a map in her hands and a confused look on her face.  
Team 7 walked over to her as she tilted the map again, furrowing her brows and scowling.  
Sakura waved and smiled,

"Hi Ino."

The map fell to the ground as Ino jumped about a foot in the air.  
She glanced around wildly at them, clearly startled.  
Once she realized who they were, she sighed and picked up the map, glowering in slight annoyance at them.  
Sakura tilted her head at the map curiously and leaned over her rivals shoulder to read it.

"Huh? This is a map of Konoha? Why are you reading that?"

Ino glanced at Sakura and shrugged her shoulders.  
She folded up the map and popped it into her bag before replying,

"Do you remember all those new apartments went up about a year ago?"

Sakura nodded.

"Well the map of Konoha had to be rewritten because of it so Tsunade-sama asked me to look around and make sure everything has been drawn correctly. Although to be honest, I don't think it is. I cant find a damn thing, uhn…"

Naruto sighed as the girls continued chatting, seemingly bored with the conversation.  
Hidan had to agree, maps were a pretty boring thing to talk about.  
The only cool maps were the ones you used as kids to find the 'treasure' that you yourself had just buried 15 minutes earlier for the sake of the game.  
He used to love playing pirate with the neighborhood kids, although he got the odd complaint every now and then about how dangerous it was for him to make the other children 'walk the plank' and that his parents should punish him for it.  
It was almost like they thought he cared that people were getting hurt when he pushed them off the town bridge and into the stream.  
But now even treasure maps pissed him off.  
Kakuzu had ruined them for him, having a massive stash of the things with 'X' marked all over them to pin point the location of shinobi with large bounties on their heads.  
The idea of getting a map in this instance did seem smart though.

"Ino? Could I get one of those maps? I'll check around as well."

Ino scratched the back of her neck sheepishly and slowly replied,

"Sorry Kakashi sensei, I only have one copy, un."

Hidan cursed his luck.

"Hey are you feeling okay, Ino?"

The purple clad girl looked at Sakura in surprise as her rival wandered over and felt her forehead.  
Sakura tilted her head and frowned.

"You voice is a bit deeper and sounds kind of scratchy. And you have kind of been grunting at the end of your sentences, are you getting a cold?"

Ino coughed into her hand and nodded.

"The back of my throat has been sore the last few days, it'll probably blow over though."

Hidan nodded thoughtfully.  
Explains why she didn't go on the mission with Asuma, Choji and Shikamaru like Sakura had said earlier that morning.  
Naruto was obviously thinking along the same lines and grinned up at Ino,

"Hey, why don't you come train with us? A bit of exercise helps clear the airways. We are going to the training field now."

Ino glanced between them all but looked hesitant.  
Not that she really had a say in the matter, though.  
Before she could even consider saying no, Sai had intervened and grasped her hand.  
Pulling her in the direction of the training grounds with Naruto, Sakura and Hidan in tow, he smiled at her,

"If it makes you feel better then it's what you should do, beautiful."

Inos face went red and so did Sakuras, although for an entirely different reason.  
Hidan glanced to the pink haired girl beside him and distanced himself along the path a little as she started muttering curses at her team mate.

* * *

Hidan leaned against a tree and watched as Sakura, Naruto and Sai sparred.  
Ino had hung back a little, claiming that she was happy to sit on the sidelines until the medicine pill that Sakura had given her along the way to the training ground kicked in and she felt better.  
Hidan was happy to stay silent for a while, observing his three 'students' was actually pretty interesting.  
He had always enjoyed watching fights, other peoples techniques often inspired him to create his own based loosely on what he had seen.  
And these three definitely had interesting techniques.  
As Naruto created six shadow clones which began to gang up on Sai, an acorn dropped from the tree beside Hidan and his gaze was temporarily drawn to it.  
He glanced at it and out of the corner of his eye, he swore he saw Ino watching him.  
Well that's weird…  
Hidan shook his head at his own thought, in all probability the acorn had caught her attention as well.  
A kunai whizzed past his head and stuck into the trunk of the tree a few centimeters away.  
He frowned at it._  
That was a bit too close to be an accident._  
Out in the training field, Naruto was choked up on laughter and Sakura was scolding him  
With an irritated sigh, Hidan picked up the acorn that had fallen and threw it at Naruto, hard.

"AACK!"

The boy yelped as it hit him with so much force that it knocked him over.  
Naruto curled into a ball on the ground and groaned as he lifted his shirt, an acorn sized bruise beginning to show up on his stomach.  
Hidan smirked and turned to glance at Ino.  
She was still watching him, openly now, with furrowed brows.  
He turned and looked over his shoulder to see if it was in fact him that she was looking at.  
Turns out it was.  
Tilting his head at her, he asked,

"Is there something wrong, Ino?"

She looked slightly surprised that he had asked and hastily smiled,

"No nothing Kakashi-sensei. You seem a bit different is all, yeah."

Hidan raised a brow,  
That sort of statement would normally offend him and whoever had uttered such words would normally be pounded into the ground and dealt a healthy serving of cussing.  
But he couldn't do that now because he wasn't SUPPOSED to be Hidan.  
So instead of answering and giving himself away, he asked,

"Do I?"

Ino hesitated for a second before she sheepishly chuckled and shook her head.  
Hidan narrowed his eyes at her strange behavior.  
What's gotten into her…?  
Before he could dwell on it anymore, Naruto ran straight for him and dived.  
Hidan instinctively spun himself out of the way and looked down at the boy in amusement as he pulled himself away from the tree he had just spear tackled.  
Ino snickered as she glanced down at him.

"Urgh… Kakashi-sensei you weren't supposed to move-dattebayo…"

Hidan smiled in a very Kakashi-like way and gave him the peace sign before helping him up.  
What did the kid expect? That he was going to let his S-rank reputation be crushed because he couldn't dodge a hastily timed tackle?  
He glanced out into the training field and observed Sakura shaking her head and Sai giving a genuine half smile.  
Hidan turned back to Ino and grinned.

"How about you go out and spare now, Ino? You look better, there is no reason to stay sitting down anymore."

Inos snickering faded and she began to stutter.  
She looked like she could give him a million reasons why she should stay sitting down.  
She probably would have as well if Sakura didn't at that exact moment taunt her with,

"You look like a pig, come on and fight us Ino-pig."

For some reason, this really got to Ino.  
Her head snapped towards Sakura and she growled.  
Hidan supposed that being called a pig one too many times was enough to make any one angry but… wow.  
As the girl dashed off towards Sakura with an excited Naruto and Sai watching, Hidan briefly wondered if he was going to have to break the fight up.

* * *

So there you go.  
I think I'm starting to make Hidan a little OOC but to be honest I have a hard time believing he is angry ALL the time.  
Living in the Akatsuki (and with Kakuzu) probably just brings it out lol.  
Thats my interpretation anyway.  
Rates and reviews are cherished, appreciated, coveted and loved.


	12. Chapter 12: Imposter Ino

**Sorry this has taken so long, soooo busy with everything at the moment.**  
**Enjoy anyway**

* * *

Kakuzu stood before Sasori and Deidara, snorting in laughter.  
Deidara looked exactly like Ino Yamanaka from the purple clothes and fish nets to the blonde hair and makeup.  
The makeover was perfect.  
But Deidara wouldn't go down if he wasnt able to argue about something.  
His clay had been confiscated for fear of him using it in Konoha which of course had pissed him right off.

"Give it the fuck back, Sasori no Danna! This is so fucking unfair, un!"

Kakuzu had smirked and waved Hidans scythe in front of Deidara, shutting him right up.

"If Hidan can do it without his oh so precious scythe then you can do it without your oh so precious clay.

Deidara bit his lip and fought back his urge to glare at the miser for the pain he was being put through.  
Sure Hidan had his scythe taken, but he didn't have to dress as a GIRL!  
He had long ago tried to escape Sasori and Kakuzu but had realized he was at a disadvantage.  
His danna had loosely placed chakra strings to his limbs and Kakuzus skin was rippling menacingly, the threads in his body daring Deidara to try and run.  
In the end there was nothing to do but accept his fate and try to have fun (if that was possible)  
It should be easy for him, really.  
If anyone in the Akatsuki could lie themselves out of a situation, it was Deidara.  
Sasori and Kakuzu were confident he would be fine.

"What if I lose my temper and kill someone, yeah?"

Kakuzu took a threatening step forward and he smirked from under his mask, shaking his head.  
He knew what the blonde was trying to do, he was desperately trying to make the miser and the puppet master rethink their decision.  
No matter how good he was, Deidara couldn't lie his way out of this one.

"Hidan hasn't killed anyone yet and he has been in there for nearly two days."

Deidara groaned.  
If that was true then he really did have no way out of this.  
Although it surprised him greatly that the priest was able to restrain himself for so long.  
Sasori was obviously thinking along the same lines, though he said nothing.  
Instead, he pulled out a folded piece of paper and handed it to his partner.  
The words 'Map of The Village Hidden in the Leaf' was typed in neat letters next to the printing company's logo.  
Deidara took it with a sigh.  
Oh he was in trouble.  
He probably wouldn't even get past the front gates.

* * *

He couldn't believe he actually got past the front gates.  
The gates keepers, who he recognized as Kotetsu and Izumo gave him a smile and a wave as he passed through.  
Great security they have here…  
Kakuzu had mentioned to him that Hidan had planned on taking the Kyuubi child to the training grounds that morning and so, this was Deidaras current destination.  
Not that the stupid map was helping at all.  
Deidara was sure he had walked past the same bathhouse three times already.  
He growled at the map in frustration, Tobi and Sasori had always been the map readers during their travels, Deidara himself usually being the one flying them in whatever direction he was pointed in.  
Despite his otherwise uselessness, Tobi was actually a brilliant map reader.  
Deidara wasn't.

He tilted the map and scowled at it, not noticing the footsteps casually walking up behind him

"Hi Ino."

Deidara jumped in fright.  
The map fell to the ground and he whirled around to find out who had startled him.  
He had fully expected to see ANBU black ops standing with their arms crossed and smirking under their animalistic masks.  
Instead and to his relief, he saw Team 7.  
He scowled at them and bent slightly to pick up the map.  
Dusting it off, he was exceedingly irritated when the pink haired girl, Sakura leaned right over his shoulder and glanced at the map.  
She was so close that he could feel her breath on his cheeks.  
Normally he wouldn't mind a woman being so close and breathing into his ear, but today he was supposed to be a girl and he didn't need a growing lump under his skirt to dispute that fact.  
That and he was not in the mood to be hanging around such an annoying person.

"Huh? This is a map of Konoha? Why are you reading that?"

Deidara inwardly smirked, time for his amazing lying skills to kick in.  
The lie rolled off his tongue smoothly, as if he had been rehearsing the same lines for a week and was just waiting for the chance to say it.

"Do you remember all those new apartments went up about a year ago?"

Sakura nodded.

"Well the map of Konoha had to be rewritten because of it so Tsunade-sama asked me to look around and make sure everything has been drawn correctly. Although to be honest, I don't think it is. I cant find a damn thing, uhn…"

He did his best to suppress his 'uns' but the results sounded more like 'uhh…nn'  
Some speech impediments just weren't meant to be repressed.  
Sakura began to talk to him about various things, mentioning 'Kakashi-sensei' at one point which snapped Deidara back into reality.  
That was the whole reason he was here, how could he forget about Hidan!?  
The blonde glanced at Team 7s superior and watched him closely.  
He seemed to be just day dreaming and staring into space, not seeming to bother much about the conversation Deidara was having with Sakura – not that he really cared either.  
Suddenly he seemed to snap out of his trance and watched what he thought were the two 'girls' in mild interest.

"Ino? Could I get one of those maps? I'll check around as well."

Deidara scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.  
He didn't have any more maps, only this one that Kakuzu and Sasori had given him and there was no way he was giving it up. _  
Sorry Hidan, you are going to have to make do without one._  
He mentally smirked at being able to get back at the priest for once.  
Deidara slowly and mockingly replied,

"Sorry _Kakashi_sensei, I only have one copy, un."

Hidan/Kakashi shrugged his shoulders, not seeming too fussed either way.

"Hey are you feeling okay, Ino?"

Deidara looked at Sakura in surprise and furrowed his brows in annoyance as the girl wandered over and felt his forehead._  
What the hell is this bitch's problem, yeah?_  
Sakura tilted her head and frowned, answering his silent question.

"You voice is a bit deeper and sounds kind of scratchy. And you have kind of been grunting at the end of your sentences, are you getting a cold?"

Deidara coughed into his gloved hand and went along with it, the lie flowing off his tongue like liquid.  
He nodded and tried to put on a pained expression.

"The back of my throat has been sore the last few days, it'll probably blow over though."

Deidara watched as Hidan/Kakashi nodded and tilted his head.  
Sakura seemed to accept the lie and clicked her tongue sympathetically.  
A cold had been going around lately and it was never the best thing to get on the end of.  
Deidara grinned inwardly at being able to get away with two lies in two minutes.  
Before he knew it, Naruto was right in his face, grinning devilishly in a way that made him nervous.

"Hey, why don't you come train with us? A bit of exercise helps clear the airways. We are going to the training field now."

Deidara glanced between them all and frowned.  
He didn't want to be dragged to the training ground because more often than not, he would have to fight and his fighting style contrasted greatly with the real Ino's.  
Before he could even get out a lie, the quiet boy called Sai stepped forward and grasped his wrist in a gentle but firm hold.  
He tugged Deidara down the road he had been about to follow on the map and smiled at him in a way that was obviously very fake.

"If it makes you feel better then it's what you should do, beautiful."

Deidara felt himself go red with anger and embarrassment.  
He knew without a doubt that he wanted to kill this boy.  
The terrorist glanced over his shoulder to see Naruto bouncing along behind them merrily while the pink haired girl growled under her breath and the masked Hidan avoided her.

* * *

Once they had gotten to the training ground, Sakura had rooted around in her pack and pulled out a pill like object, handing it to Deidara and telling him that eating it will make him feel better.  
He took it grudgingly, not particularly wanting to eat the foul smelling ball but feeling obliged to with the pink haired girl glaring down on him.  
Deidara didn't feel safe to spit it out and start gagging until she was well out of earshot.  
Those things were poison…  
'Kakashi' had glanced down at him and appeared amused, probably knowing that they tasted disgusting.  
Deidara had snarled at him for not stopping Sakura from feeding it to him but he seemed to not care.  
He had to stop and wonder, is this really Hidan?  
The masked man had been acting so cool and calm – something Hidan struggled to do on a daily basis.  
Deidara began to bite his nails with the thought that maybe the real Kakashi had returned and Hidan was locked away somewhere.  
It made sense considering the way the man was acting, he barely spoke a word and didn't appear aggressive in anyway.  
Deidara sat on a log next to him as he leant against a tree.  
He subtly brushed aside his fringe and closed his right eye, opening his left.  
The left eye was impervious to genjutsu and it told him that there was none hanging around the mysterious man.  
He bit his lip and watched him closely.  
There was once or twice that the masked man glanced back at him but he didn't say a word or even seem to mind._  
He doesn't even recognize me…_  
He was so caught up in his staring, that Deidara jumped with fright at the kunai that sailed right past him and hit the tree right next to Hidan/Kakashis head.  
The masked mans visible eye narrowed as it glanced between the kunai to the laughing blonde boy on the field.  
Deidara blinked at the reaction.  
_  
Wow… He barely even moved, Hidan would have gone nutcase on that kid._

The masked man bent over with a sigh and picked up an acorn that had fallen before throwing it with all his might at the boy on the field.  
Naruto let out a cry of surprise and pain as it knocked him over and bruised his stomach.  
Deidaras eyes widened nervously when no shouts and curses of irritation spewed from the masked mans mouth._  
Hidan sure has changed… God please tell me this is the real Hidan… I can't even tell…_

"Is there something wrong, Ino?"

Deidara started, not realizing that the man he had been staring at was watching him too.  
Okay okay, a chance to find out if it's really him or not.  
If this is Hidan he will tell me when he realizes I am here, if not then he won't say anything.  
With a sheepish smile, Deidara replied,

"No nothing Kakashi-sensei. You seem a bit different is all, yeah."

The masked man raised his eyebrow but didn't move for a second.  
Deidara felt the mouths under his gloves grinding their teeth nervously.  
Turning to face him more, the man evasively replied,

"Do I?"

Deidara paused and shook his head with a smile that told the masked man that the topic had been dropped.  
That didn't tell him anything, it could be Hidan just being a dick…  
Oh god, please tell me this isn't the real Kakashi… It's ok, yeah… I just have to wait and see what he says and does from now on…  
Deidaras attention was drawn to Naruto who dashed over to them and attempted to tackle the man he was inspecting.  
With astonishing speed, Hidan/Kakashi jumped out of the way, leaving Naruto to faceplant the tree he had been leaning against.  
Unable to help himself, Deidara snickered.

"Urgh… Kakashi-sensei you weren't supposed to move-dattebayo…"

Hidan/Kakashi gave him the peace sign before helping him up.  
Deidara watched this exchange quietly, his anxiety growing.  
Hidan wouldn't help someone who tried to tackle him up… Nor would he be polite while doing so…  
What's going on…?  
The mysterious man turned to him and grinned.

"How about you go out and spar now, Ino? You look better, there is no reason to stay sitting down anymore."

Deidara spluttered in shock and surprise.  
He couldn't fight! His style was too different.  
He couldn't even PRETEND to mimic the mind transfer jutsu.  
Oh this was Hidan alright, and he was being a complete ass.  
The blonde glanced up to the sensei, silently begging that he take back what he was saying.  
Anything but fight, anything bu-

"You look like a pig, come on and fight us Ino-pig."

Deidara froze.  
Pig…  
That was the word that Sasori no danna called him when he had first explained his art.  
'Pig' was not a word that he enjoyed being called…

* * *

**So basically the same as last chapter but from Deidaras POV.  
Sorry updating is taking so long, Ill get around to them haha!  
Hope you enjoyed.  
Leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep!  
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ep**


	13. Chapter 13: Under the Mask

**Hooray the next chapter.**  
**I had to reread what I had written last time so I could try and figure out where to take the story next.**  
**I have a vague idea of where to take this story so... Yeah. Look forward to it XD  
Music: Don't Stop - InnerPartySystem  
Mood: bored **

* * *

It was with much interest and curiosity that Hidan found himself surrounded on all sides by shadow clones and ink animals.  
While 'Ino' and Sakura fought it out in the background pulling each others hair and calling each other names, it had seemed Sai and Naruto had decided to gang up on him.  
Apparently Naruto was still sore at him about the acorn.  
Sai probably just wanted to fight.

"Give up Kakashi-sensei. You are surrounded on all sides by my shadow clones-dattebayo!"

Hidan picked up a long stick from the ground that curved out at the end, vaguely resembling a scythe.  
Not ideal but better than nothing.  
He had been itching for a fight for a very long time and a sadistic smirk escaped his lips at Narutos taunt.  
Radiating attitude and ego, Hidan shouted,

"Excellent, Naruto! Now I can attack in any direction!"

Looking slightly taken aback by his senseis inability to look intimidated, Naruto growled and raced forward to attack, sending wave after wave of shadow clones at 'Kakashi'.  
Hidan was both amused and pleased to find that there was no shortage of clones to fight.  
His chakra was practically unlimited and he loved nothing more than fighting hundreds of enemies at a time, although it was disappointing to find they disappeared after only a single hit.  
It had been too long since he had fought this hard and as a Rasengan flew past his face, Hidan congratulated himself on finding a worthy opponent.  
The ink animals added a bit of diversity to the action and he found he was enjoying himself immensely

* * *

Deidara growled at Sakura as the girl fisted his hair and he discreetly bit her through his gloves with the mouth on his hand.

Stupid woman! No one pulls my hair, yeah!

She promptly let go with a screech and Deidara used this opportunity to jump back to a safer distance.  
Kunoichi were scary to fight, even if you were pretending to be one of them.  
Huffing angrily and glaring, Sakura raised a fist and shouted a few words at him, though he didn't pay attention.  
His gaze was focused on Team 7s sensei who was swinging a stick around in a masterful display of weapon control as he fought off shadow clones and ink monsters.  
It was Hidans fighting style down to a T and Deidaras anxiety about having found the wrong Kakashi trickled away slightly…  
Only to reform when he remembered the Sharingan could copy techniques and fighting styles.  
He mentally faced palm and groaned at the thought of Kakashi copying Hidans techniques and using them as his own… That just wasn't fair…  
A feral growl reminded him that Sakura was still out for his blood and he scowled at her for breaking his concentration.

Thinking later, bitch fighting now.

* * *

Kakuzu and Sasori stood on the Hokage monument and watched the battle carried out with barely hidden anger.  
The waterfall nin had bitten his lip so hard that a trickle of blood was dribbling down his chin and Sasori was shaking.  
Rubbing the back of his neck irritably, the puppet master murmured, "Maybe sending Deidara in was a bad idea…"  
They had both watched as the blonde had charged towards the pink haired girl, Sakura, and began tearing at her hair and screaming curse words.  
Shortly after that, Naruto and Sai had begun to attack Hidan for seemingly no reason.  
Unless…  
Unless they had finally seen through the disguises and were taking counter measures.  
In Sasoris mind, Deidara had blown their cover by attacking the girl who from this distance, didn't look as though she had done anything wrong or provoked him in anyway.

They both watched solemnly as Narutos shadow clones overpowered Hidan and held him down whilst Deidara was pounded against a tree with fists of fury.

Kakuzu glanced to Sasori grimly and muttered, "Sasori… I think we need to call in the rest of the Akatsuki…"

The red head nodded in silent agreement.  
This was obviously out of Deidara and Hidans hands and he watched regretfully as the priest and terrorist were tied to a tree by the three homicidal teenagers.

"I suspect you are right Kakuzu. It won't take us longer than a day or so to get to the base, inform Pein of the circumstances and then return. I'm sure they can make it that long…"

Kakuzu nodded in agreement, silently wishing that he had been partnered with Sasori instead of Hidan as they turned away and dashed through the trees towards the Akatsuki lair.

* * *

"Got you Kakashi-sensei!"

Hidan growled at the blonde boy in front of him.  
Naruto was grinning up a storm as he gazed happily at his sensei who was tied to a tree by one of Sai's ink snakes.  
Obviously, catching Kakashi was a rare occurrence around here.  
Rolling his eyes and trying to not let his irritation show, Hidan muttered,

"I WAS going easy on you, you know? I limited myself to say… 40% power? To give you a chance, and shit."

Tied to the tree beside him, Deidaras ears pricked at hearing an all too familiar swear word escape 'Kakashis' lips.  
If only he could see the mans face…  
He silently cursed Kakuzu for not letting Hidan carry his scythe around the village. If he had of been allowed to, Deidara would know who he was by now.  
Naruto suddenly perked up and crossed his arms with a grin.

"Hey… You are tied up…"

Hidan scowled, "I know."

"So… That means I can take your mask off and you can't get away."

The Jashinists eyes widened at this statement and he began struggling like crazy.  
There was no way that kid was taking off his mask.  
In the odd chance that they had actually seen the real Kakashis face, he was screwed.  
Fortunately, his struggling worked in his favor because had he not struggled, Naruto would have found it odd.  
From the next tree over, Deidara watched intensely, waiting for the moment of truth that would determine for him whether this man was Hidan or the real Kakashi.

His breath caught in his throat as Narutos hand snaked its way up the mans face and picked mockingly at the mask.  
Hidan glared at him, daring the boy to even try it.  
With an evil grin, the blond boy grasped the edge of the cloth and yanked down on the mask hard.  
As the material slipped over the Jashinists nose, Hidan, Naruto, Sakura, Sai and Deidara began screaming in terror.

* * *

**Cliff hanger, I know. I'm sorry.**  
**What a horrible person I am for doing this..**  
**Leave your complaints, excuses, reviews and ratings after the beep!**  
**Beep!**


	14. Chapter 14: The Drug Dealer and the Bug

**Sorry for leaving you on a cliffy.  
I actually had to think of a reason WHY they screamed and an excuse for Hidans identity to be kept secret after I wrote the last chapter because I didn't plan this far ahead. :S  
Terrible no?  
Probably the reason English teachers get pissed off with my epic improv skills!  
Enjoy the next installment!**

* * *

[Recap]  
_  
His breath caught in his throat as Narutos hand snaked its way up the mans face and picked mockingly at the mask.  
Hidan glared at him, daring the boy to even try it.  
With an evil grin, the blond boy grasped the edge of the cloth and yanked down on the mask hard.  
As the material slipped over the Jashinists nose, Hidan, Naruto, Sakura, Sai and Deidara began screaming in terror._

[End Recap]

* * *

Thousands of insects swarmed around them in a cloud so thick that it was impossible to see.  
In the confusion of it all, Sai lost control of his ink snake and Hidan managed to pull his mask back up before anyone saw anything.  
He swatted his way furiously through the storm of insects and jumped out of the cloud around the same time as the other four.  
They lay on the ground shaking out their clothes and scratching their skin where they had been bitten while Ino/Deidara and Sakura furiously ran their hands through their hair.  
Growling in irritation, his want to remove Hidans mask temporarily halted, Naruto screeched,

"What the hell was that!?"

A deep, monotone voice behind them made the 4 shinobi jumped in surprise and turn to find Shino.

"Those are my chakra beetles. That is their favorite tree."

Narutos anger faded and was replaced by one of vague understanding.  
Standing straight and rubbing the back of his neck, he intelligently replied, "Oh."  
Chakra beetles… Tree… Makes sense…  
An awkward silence filled the area as Hidan took in Shinos looks.  
Dark glasses, hoody, hands in pockets…

"Are you a drug dealer?"

Shinos gaze shot to Hidan in a slightly threatening way.  
Hidan mentally cursed himself. That kind of just slipped out.  
Beside him, Ino stifled a giggle, masking it with a well place cough while Sakura and Naruto looked uneasy at Shinos response.

"What?"

Hidan shrugged and motioned to Shinos clothes.

"You look like a fucking drug dealer… Just saying…"

With what the four shinobi assumed was a heated glare, Shino turned around and walked back the way he had come from, his horde of chakra beetles buzzing along behind him.  
When he was out of sight, Naruto burst into laughter and fell to the ground.

"I have wanted to say that for years."

His cackling brought a small smirk to Sakuras face while Sai furrowed his brows and frowned.

"What is a drug dealer?"

* * *

"So Hidan and Deidara have been captured?"

Sasori and Kakuzu nodded to their leader whilst Kisame, Itachi, Zetsu, Tobi and Konan stood around the large stone table in the dark room they were holding a meeting at.  
Pein growled irritably and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"How were they captured in the first place? They are both S-rank criminals… Hidan has a scythe and only needs to ingest the smallest amount of blood to be fatal and Deidara left the base with a massive amount of explosive clay and homicidal attitude. I fail to see what went wrong."

Kakuzu and Sasori glanced at each other nervously, realizing for the first time that they were probably in big trouble.  
Clearing his throat and scratching his neck Sasori replied uneasily, "Actually… Deidara didn't have any clay and Hidan didn't have his scythe…"  
Peins head shot up and he glared threateningly at the two shinobi in front of him.  
"Why?"  
Kakuzu and Sasori remained silent, trying to figure out how to word it and finally giving up with a shrug.  
It wasn't until a wooden chair was thrown across the table towards them that Sasori pointed and in a fit of panic, cried, "It was Kakuzus idea!"  
It would be a lie to say the rest of the Akatsuki were not severely amused by the show playing out before them.  
Not often was it that Kakuzu and Sasori were the ones in trouble.  
"Kakuzu? Anything you want to say?"  
Peins tone was deadly and Kakuzu fought to keep his face calm, even though most of it was unreadable beneath his mask.

"Well… One of my personal bankers was killed by Hidden Leaf shinobi less than a week ago…"

Pein sighed in exasperation and slumped backwards in his chair, a hand coming up to cover his eyes.  
Of course this had to do with Kakuzu and his money… This had better not turn out to be a revenge plot…  
Pretending he hadn't seen his leaders irritated gestures, the miser continued,

"I thought some of my personal details might have been on him when he died and because Konoha took his body back to their village, I had to infiltrate to find out."

Pein rested his elbow on the armrest and his head on his clenched fist.  
Without a change in expression, he murmured, "You mean Hidan had to infiltrate to find out…"  
Nervously chuckling Kakuzu replied, "Well, yes well…"  
The leader of the Akatsuki had long ago figured out that the majority of their infiltration methods included disguises, many of which were tacky and done more for the amusement of the members than their actual dedication to the mission. Even Itachi, who could henge very well, often resorted to dressing up.  
Pein scowled, "Who is he disguised as?"

Silence…  
The Akatsuki all watched Kakuzu with varying degrees of carefully hidden amusement until the miser uncharacteristically squeaked, "Kakashi Hatake."  
Pein threw his hands in the air in fury.  
That explained why Hidan had no scythe, but not how Deidara and Sasori were dragged into the situation.  
Unless…  
Pointing at Sasori with a very evil glare across his face, Pein growled, "And who is Deidara disguised as?"

"Ino Yamanaka."

At this point, Kisame and Konan burst into laughter, despite the furious looks Pein was sending them.  
So that explained it…  
Hidan was probably incapable of carrying out the mission himself, what with all the swearing getting in the way and Kakuzu had called in Sasori and Deidara to help.  
And sending Deidara in of all people…  
His head balanced in his hands with his fists grasping his orange hair, Pein growled,

"Why didn't you just send Sasori in?"

Kakuzu answered immediately,

"There isn't anyone close enough to Kakashi Hatake that look like Sasori."

There was a brief silence.  
At this point, Itachis deep voice cut over the giggling and growling.

"You could have painted his eyes black and sent him in as the Kazekage Gaara."

There was a stiff silence before Sasori slapped his face in a vicious face-palm and groaned.  
Why why why didn't they think of that…?  
Pein shook his head in exasperation and stood up, throwing Kakuzu and Sasori a dirty look,

"Hidan and Deidara are too valuable to be captured, let alone interrogated. Everyone gear up, we are heading to the Hidden Leaf!"

* * *

**Tensions rising no?  
Heh heh.  
Leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep!  
Beeeep!**


	15. Chapter 15: Chick with a Dick?

**Okay a long chapter this time haha.  
This actually didn't take me that long to write. I think I got in the mood for it lol.  
So this flips back to Hidan/Kakashi and Ino/Deidara for a while.  
Also, it switches back and forth between point of views... a lot... so Ill be sure to let you know whos is whos along the way :D  
I'm sorry if that makes it confusing _  
On a completely unrelated note… Kind of… I'll probably be starting up Hidans Diary of Doom later on in the week, so look forward to that… and yeah…  
Enjoy the madness!**

* * *

**[Hidans POV]**

Hidan was mildly perplexed when Ino asked him to stay the night and vaguely hoped that there was nothing going on between her and the real Kakashi that he didn't know about.  
That would make for an interesting dinner talk…  
After Shino had left, Team 7 + Ino had realized that their training had taken up the majority of the day and that it was starting to get dark – prompting them all to go home for dinner.

"Kakashi sensei? Can I stay at your house for the night?"

Hidan furrowed his brows and looked down at the blond girl giving him puppy dog eyes.  
Stay with him?  
What…the…. Fuck…?  
Being something completely unexpected, Hidan had to take a second to think of an answer for this strange request.  
Rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly as Sakura threw them a strange look, he asked,

"Umm… Why the fuck would you want to stay with me, Ino…?"

Hidans eyes followed her movements as she glanced around, as if looking for a source of inspiration for an answer.  
He followed her gaze to a pair of painters who were finishing up work for the night and heading home.  
Obviously finding her inspiration, Ino replied,

"Uhh… Because, um… My bedroom is being painted, yeah!"

He didn't move, settling for staring at the girl with a single eyebrow raised.  
Sakura at this point, had wandered over to them to listen in on the strange conversation which Hidan really couldn't blame her for... He was scared too.  
Upon realizing that 'Kakashi' wasn't going to say anything else, Ino skittishly finished,

"I need to stay somewhere else because the paint fumes will kill me in my sleep if I stay at home, un!"

Hidan snorted in amusement._  
That is the worst fucking excuse I have ever heard…_  
Sakura clearly thought the same thing.  
Crossing her arms and knitting her brows together in confusion she deadpanned,

"You could always just ask to stay with me, Ino…"

Ino scratched the back of her neck and coughed into her hand awkwardly.  
It was obvious that she had an ulterior motive…  
Turning to face her pink haired friend she replied,

"Yeah but I don't want to get you sick, hmmm."

Hidan copied Sakuras previous movements and crossed his arms.  
Leaning forward with a slight glare he growled,

"Oh, but its o-fucking-ay if I get sick?"

"No no no, un! You are wearing a mask so you probably won't catch it, yeah?"

Rolling his eyes and grumbling to himself, Hidan turned around and started walking away._  
Time to go home, this is tiring…_  
He had tricked Naruto into telling him the whereabouts of Kakashis apartment earlier and had a rough idea of how to get there.  
It seemed that the orange clad boy had followed the real Kakashi home one day and ever since had been utilizing his knowledge of the mans living whereabouts as blackmail material.  
So for once it seemed, Narutos irritable less-than-average stalking skills had actually come in handy.  
Obviously deciding that his silence was an invitation to follow, Ino trotted after Hidan while Sakura scowled and shook her head, slightly concerned that her friend was taking an unnatural interest in her sensei.

* * *

**[Hidans POV]**

Hidan turned another corner and opened the door to his apartment building, opting to take the stairs instead of the elevator as he didn't fancy being stuck with Ino in an enclosed space.  
She didn't speak to him much, which made him uneasy, but when she did that horrible 'Un' she made at the end of her sentences it constantly reminded him that he would probably wake up with a cold in the morning._  
Stupid blonde bitch..._  
Reaching his floor, Hidan vaguely realised that he didn't have a key and frowned to himself in annoyance._  
Time to improvise!_  
Ino stood behind him awkwardly as he jiggled a pin he had pulled from her hair through the keyhole in an effort to pick the lock.  
This went on for a while until an elderly women with greying hair in the next flat over, opened her door and walked up to him, a key in her hand.

"Have you lost your key _again_, Kakashi-san? For goodness sake...Here is the spare you asked me to hold onto."

Pushing past him, she bustled over to the lock and opened his door, giving him a small scowl accompanied by a friendly, slightly exasperated smile before she returned to her flat.  
Apparently, this was a common occurrence.  
Not believing his luck, Hidan grinned under his mask and entered the apartment, noting straight away that The Copy Nin barely owned any material possessions other than a small bookcase and... what's this?  
Hidan snorted slightly as he glimpsed a stamp collectors book.  
Who the hell knew that Kakashi Hatake collected stamps? Not this Jashinist...  
Behind him, Ino cleared her throat, reminding Hidan that the annoying girl was still following him.  
With a slight sigh, he removed the itchy jounin jacket and threw it onto one of the couches before motioning to the room with his hand.  
In a slight monotone and fighting to keep the words "Bitch" "Slut" and "Irritating little termite" out of his sentence, Hidan murmured,

"Make yourself at home..."

Ino did just that, trudging over to an armchair in the corner of his room and slumping down into it with a sigh.  
Hidan rolled his eyes and noticed with amusement that he was irritated by the privacy invasion despite the house they were currently residing in not actually being his.  
Chuckling, he ventured into the kitchen and scoured through all of the cupboards looking for food.  
He had turned down Narutos offer of getting ramen for dinner for the simple fact that he wasn't skilled at eating through his mask in public.  
Though ramen had sounded really good at the time, he had refused and grudgingly hoped the Copy Nin catered for imposters like himself.  
Apparently he did.  
With a smirk of triumph he pulled out a plate of already cooked spare ribs, the only preparation they needed was eating up.  
Grinning to himself at finding his favourite food, Hidan popped them in the microwave and stood watching them through the glass with glee.  
He had to wipe away a small trail of drool threatening to slid down his lips.  
When Ino cleared her throat from behind him again, Hidan growled and turned to glare at her.  
Obviously, she was hungry too, not that Hidan could see how… Apparently starving herself was one of Inos hobbies (Although the last few days she had seemed to have filled out somehow)  
Sighing, he motioned to the cupboards,

"Find something you want and eat it."

She scowled, before opening a cupboard.

"You don't entertain much do you, yeah?"

"So what if I fucking don't, Blondie?"

Ino paused in her cupboard searching and turned to glare at him skeptically.  
Hidan hesitated, realizing that he probably just said the 'f' word one too many times.  
Rubbing his temples and acting tired he muttered,

"Sorry. Long day."

Her narrowed eyes studied him for a second longer before slowly turning back to the fridge where she gasped with happiness and pulled out a sealed container of bakudon.

* * *

**[Deidaras POV]**

Deidara glared at 'Kakashi' through lidded eyes.  
They now sat on the man's couch in his living room eating what they had managed to find for dinner.  
It was almost like Kakashi catered for imposters.  
Needless to say, he was thrilled to have found some bakudon and was eating it happily while he studied 'Kakashi'.  
It really was difficult to tell if it was Hidan.  
On one hand, the man hadn't killed anyone, hurt anyone or even mentioned Jashin that he knew of, not to mention that he turned his head away whenever he ate some food, ruling out the possibility of seeing his face.  
Yet on the other, he swore on occasion, a habit he had never heard of Kakashi having, twitched whenever someone mentioned 'God' and whenever he seemed to be getting annoyed, reached behind his back as if to grab something that wasn't there.

And he had called him 'Blondie' earlier that evening, a name only Hidan had ever called him.  
But then, he apologized afterwards… As if he had only said it on a whim…_  
Argh, this is too confusing, I need to either demask him or say something so that he will know it's me without blowing my cover if it is the real Kakashi._  
He threw his head back and sighed, deciding it was way more trouble than it was worth.  
With a shrug of his shoulders, Deidara got to his feet, stretched and made his way out of the lounge room in search of the shower.

* * *

**[Hidans POV]**

Hidan watched Ino go without moving a muscle lest he bring attention to himself and she start a conversation.  
When she left the room he let out a relieved sigh and slumped back against the couch.  
What a pain in the ass.  
Not only did he have to stay another night in Konoha (not that he was beginning to mind much) but he had to spend it with her…  
Honestly, he would have preferred Naruto to Ino.  
Something about the blond seemed too…. Familiar…  
He shook his head to clear his thoughts.  
No use dwelling on it, it would only driver him crazy… er…  
Hidan grinned inwardly and took a bite of his food.  
In the back of his mind he thought he heard a shower turn on but dismissed it when a knock came at his door.  
Of course someone else would disturb the already disturbed peace...  
Sighing and setting down his plate, Hidan wiped his hands on his shirt and made for the door hesitantly, hoping it wasn't an ANBU squad that had found him out.

* * *

**[Deidaras POV]**

Deidara tore off the fishnets with a scowl, dreading that he couldn't destroy them as they were still needed for his disguise.  
He rubbed his arms and legs gingerly where they had been too tight and chafed, inwardly cursing Sasori no Danna for this abuse.  
The hair was what took him the longest to get out.  
Whereas his normal hairstyle consisted of a normal high-tied ponytail, Inos apparently was held together with hairclips and pins, hair spray and probably a whole bunch of other stuff he didn't know about.  
Oh man was he looking forward to getting it out…  
He looked around and vaguely noticed that Kakashi used the same shampoo and conditioner that he used – Avocado oil and pomegranate.  
Grinning at something finally going his way for once, Deidara fiddled with the zip on that horrible skirt, took it off and stepped into the shower.

* * *

**[Hidans POV]**

To Hidans relief, it was just a postman delivering a bill that he marveled at not having to pay.  
Placing it on the bench as he said farewell to the seemingly friendly man, Hidan wandered into the lounge room and sat down to finish his meal before Ino returned to wherever the hell she had wandered off to.  
The second he sat down, however, he groaned, realizing that before he finished eating he would have to use the bathroom.  
Wherever the fuck that is…  
Hidan stumbled through the hallways, opening random doors and dismissing the sound of the shower as irrelevant.  
He had long ago convinced himself that Kakuzu didn't shower, having never noticed the man doing so, so the sound of running water anywhere near his person was dismissed as rain.  
Opening the last door in the hallway after finding nothing but two bedrooms and a linen cupboard, he entered the bathroom happily, only vaguely wondering why there was steam coating the mirror and window.  
He bypassed the shower on his way to the toilet but paused when he heard a shriek.  
Quite startled himself, Hidan jumped with fright and whipped his head around to find a very naked… person… in his shower.  
At first he saw the head and immediately freaked out at walking in on Ino in the shower, but when his eyes involuntarily flicked lower, it was his turn to shriek and jump away.  
The person in the shower hastily grabbed a towel and covered the majority of their body, all the while glaring at Hidan who was now dry retching on the floor.

"What the fuuuuuck!? I thought you were a chick!"

Scowling and stepping out of the shower with the towel still covering everything, the blonde growled,

"Oh is that why you came in? Hoping to spy on a girl in the shower!? You're sick, I will blow you to pieces with my ultimate art if you try this again, un!"

Hidan whipped his head up to the growling blond above him and raised his brows, instantly recognizing his comrade and feeling stupid at not noticing before.  
His surprise froze his mouth and he was unable to do much more than stare.  
Deidara seemed to associate Hidans lack of speaking with confusion, and stuttered,

"I-I mean, Kakashi-sensei, you should probably leave…"

Hidan got to his feet and did that… he left.  
He said nothing to the blond, partially because he was surprised to find that the 'Ino' that had been following him around actually had a penis, partially because that penis actually belonged to Deidara and partially because Deidara hadn't deducted that he wasn't the real Kakashi.  
When he got to the lounge room, he burst into uncontrollable laughter and had to steady himself from falling over.  
Deidara hadn't recognized him!  
Oh that was priceless.  
When he came out of the shower he was soooo going to get paid out.  
The blond must have been following him all day trying to figure out who he was; Hidan or Kakashi  
Kakuzu probably put him up to it, the priest sniggered.  
He heard the door to the bathroom close and immediately forced the smirk from his face before sitting down.  
'Ino' walked into the lounge room hesitantly and Hidan had to think of horrible, disgusting things to stop himself bursting into laughter all over again.  
He couldn't look at either Deidara or Ino the same after this.  
The fact that Deidara had chosen to put on the short skirt and fishnets again nearly had Hidan in stitches.  
He motioned to the armchair across from him with a shaking hand, trying not to laugh but in Deidaras eyes, looking severely scared.  
Deidara sat down and seeming exceedingly nervous.  
Hidan cleared his throat and began,

"Now, Ino… We have some things to discuss…"

Deidara instantly paled and bit his lip.  
It seemed the blond was now entirely convinced that the man in front of him was the real Kakashi.  
After all, Hidan would have picked up on all the hints he had been dropping, not to mention the genital flash, and pointed out his identity immediately… If it had of been the real Hidan, anyway.  
Smirking under his mask and feeling the need to freak the blond out, the Jashinist continued,

"Our romantic relationship has been steadily getting more serious and as I never noticed, slash, you never told me you were actually a man, I want to ask you a question…"

Hidan paused dramatically for effect and thought of kittens dying to stop himself laughing at the horrified look on Deidaras face.  
The terrorist looked quite ill and was probably thinking something along the lines of "Why the hell did I let myself be forced into this?"

"Would you ever be into strap ons?"

Hidan would be lying if he said he expected it… Because he didn't.  
Deidara let out the most earsplitting scream known to man and picked up various items around his person to throw at 'Kakashi."  
Unable to hold it in any longer and despite having an alarm clock hit him in the crotch, Hidan burst out laughing.  
His laughter was so hard that it rendered him immobile as he fell to the floor.  
Deidara hesitated and glared at the laughing man before questioningly growling,

"Hidan…?"

The answer was more laughter and with an angry scowl, Deidara marched across the room and ripped Hidans mask down.  
His eyes narrowed dangerously when he recognized his idiotic comrade and he growled,

"Why would you do that… And why are you laughing so hard, un?"

Hidan sat up and wiped tears from his eyes.  
Pointing at the blond before him, he listed off the reasons for his manic giggles,

"You are wearing fishnets… You are wearing a skirt… You referred to yourself as a girl… And you have completely ruined Ino Yamanakas reputation!"

He burst into another fit of laughter as Deidara crossed his arms and scowled.

"It was Sasori no danna and Kakuzu-sans idea! How did I ruin her reputation, un? I thought I did okay, yeah…"

Hidan sat up from his position on the floor and hiccupped.  
Waving his hand to dismiss Deidaras thoughts he replied,

"Nuh-uh… According to her friends now, Ino just lied about having her bedroom painted to stay the night with a man much older than herself, not to mention that I'm going to tell everyone Ino has a dick BAHAHAHAHA!"

Deidara put his hands on his hips and glared at Hidan, knowing nothing could be done until the idiotic man calmed down.

* * *

**Sorry if this chapter is a little low quality lol.  
Didn't have a lot of editing time so… yeah..  
Annnnnyway. Hope you enjoyed this little episode.  
Rates and reviews are to be left after the beep and complaints and excuses to be forwarded to my lovely secretary Natalie! (Who may or may not be getting paid the correct wage)  
Until next time!**


	16. Chapter 16: Akasuna no Gaara

**Haha this chapter is fairly short which I apologise for.  
I still have to figure out how to end this so I am kind of torturing everyone in the process of doing so.  
By now almost all of the Akatsuki are in on this…**

* * *

Getting to sleep that night was very difficult.  
Because Deidara is what Hidan likes to call a 'princess' and Hidan is what Deidara likes to call an 'immortal jerkoff' they ended up sharing Kakashis double bed, neither of them wanting the couch.  
Kakuzu had always complained about Hidans nasty habit of sleep 'stabbing' but until that night, Deidara had thought he was either joking or exaggerating…  
Nope.  
But as it does with most things, a few minor explosions fixed the problem.

Needless to say, the next morning, neither of them were in good moods.  
They awoke, glared at each other and got up to eat breakfast.  
Not needing to wear the mask anymore, Hidan kept it hanging around his neck and not currently being in public, Deidara had settled for fitting into some of the real Kakashis clothes, forsaking the fishnets and purples.  
Whether this worked in their favor was something that could be held up for debate.  
No sooner had they sat down to eat their hastily thrown together breakfast did a knock come at the door.  
Or it would have, if Naruto bothered to knock…  
The happy blonde bounced in, closely followed by Sakura and Sai who stood stock still at the scene in front of them.  
Hidan had turned away immediately, pulling his mask over his nose before daring to face his 'students'.  
The fact that he had his mask down in front of 'Ino' was surprising in itself.  
Deidara had no need to do such things but it was probably _his_ appearance more than anything that had Naruto, Sakura and Sai staring with their mouths open.  
Due to Hidans sleeping habits, the blond had small bruises covering him head to toe, the majority of which were visible on his neck, looking rather like hickies.  
Rolling around all night trying to avoid Hidans wrath had given him a rather bad case of sex hair and the fact that he was wearing Kakashis clothes made the image even more incriminating.  
Sakuras eyes shifted to the floor where they widened and twitched upon seeing fishnet stockings and a purple shirt and skirt thrown hastily on the floor.  
In actual fact, the second Hidan had realized who Deidara was (and vice versa) the blonde had angrily began to strip himself out of the horrible clothes and thrown them to the ground in disgust.  
Neither of them had bothered to clean up.

"They had sex."

Everyones, and I mean _everyones,_ eyes widened in horror at Sais happy explanation for the chaos around them.  
Hidan began to splutter and Deidaras mouth dropped open in disgust.  
Surprised at the silence, Sai began to explain,

"Sabaku no Gaara showed me a video tha-"

"WAIT, WHAAAAT!?"

Narutos outburst wasn't without good reason.  
Who would have thought, Gaara of all people was teaching Sai to be social? And in THAT kind of manner?  
Sakura made a violent shuddering motion and gagged in the back of her throat.  
Pointing accusingly at 'Ino', she muttered,

"How long has this been going on…?"

Deidara and Hidan looked at each other, not knowing what to say.  
The blonde sighed and gave Hidan the just-go-with-it look.  
Deciding to answer as truthfully as possible, Hidan replied,

"This is the third day we have been here."

By 'here' he meant Konoha in general, but insinuating that he was referring to his 'affair' with Deidara seemed the safer option…  
Everyone could tell when Hidan was lying, it was just one of those things…  
Much to Hidan and Deidaras surprise and horror, a smirk formed on Sakuras face.  
Looking up at them, she smiled in a half joking, half serious manner and shouted,

"I knew it! That's why you are always late to practice and why Ino always has to go to the 'flower' shop! When were you going to tell me!?"

Deidara and Hidans mouths opened and closed many times and they looked at each other for help.  
How the hell do you get out of this situation?  
Kakashi and Inos reputation were most definitely ruined…

* * *

Before going to Konoha, the Akatsuki made a quick stop at Sunagakure.  
Kakashi Hatake would be returning to the Village Hidden in the Leaf the next day (having arrived the night before and completing his mission) and he needed to be stalled.  
There was a high chance that they would need a few more days to carry out their hastily thrown together plan.  
Pein sighed as Itachi dressed Sasori up.  
Why did all their plans involve dressing up…?  
Though it was true that many of the Akatsuki could not henge on infiltration missions what did it matter?_  
We are fucking __**ninjas**__! We should be able to get in __**without**__ dressing up._  
They probably do it for their own amusement, Pein thought to himself darkly.  
After all, Itachi could henge perfectly and yet he always chose to dress up…  
He heard the Uchiha hiss in pain from across the room and glanced over to watch as he removed the sewing pin from his finger and licked the droplet of blood away.  
Pein sighed.  
Kakuzu had sure caused a lot of trouble.  
Step one of Operation: Rescue Fuckheads involved the Kazekage.  
Kisame had kidnapped the man the night before and brought him to the Akatsukis Wind Country base.  
Initially furious, Gaara had calmed down once he was explained the situation, surprising everyone by going along with it.

"Whatever, but hurt anyone in Suna or Konoha and there will be hell to pay…"

Pein glanced absent mindedly at the Kazekage who was currently playing cards with Kisame and Zetsu.  
They had promised to let him go after they completed their mission and a promise was a promise.  
He doubted Kisame would mind, he was having his arse kicked.

"There, done!"

Gaara and Pein looked up and their gaze locked onto a displeased looking Sasori and a cheerful Itachi.  
Sasoris eyes had been blacked out and his normal Akatsuki robe replaced with a gourd.  
Draped over his shoulders were perfect copies of Gaaras clothes.  
The Kazekage nodded thoughtfully and muttered,

"You are convincing, now hurry up so I can return to my village."

Sasori growled but nodded nonetheless.  
It was the puppet masters job to distract the Copy Nin as the Kazekage with various tasks and jobs around the village until Pein had retrieved the 'Fuckheads'  
Although Gaara didn't entirely object to the idea, he was still irritated that he couldn't have just carried it out himself.  
But oh well, this is the Akatsuki he was dealing with…  
From what he had heard, they weren't much of a threat.  
It was probably just better to humor them.  
Little did Pein know, but most of the Akatsukis infiltration methods and 'secret' techniques were very common knowledge to the Kazekage and as a result, he didn't really see them as much of a threat.  
Seriously, who dresses up in costumes to conceal their identity when they could just henge?  
Maybe it was because it was so stupid that it actually worked…  
And according to Orochimaru, who for some reason used to send letters to Gaara before his death, 95% of the Akatsukis decisions and argument were solved by playing 'Rock, paper, scissors' and drawing papers out of a hat.  
No… Gaara didn't find them threatening.  
Konoha however, didn't know this information as it had been the sand nins choice to relay it to them once they signed a peace treaty.  
He only wished he could see Hidan and Deidara trying to tough out being swarmed with hundreds of bouncy, orange shadow clones.  
A metaphorical light bulb flashed above Gaaras head as the thought came to mind.

"Pein?"

The orange haired leader of the Akatsuki turned to the Kazekage with a raised brow and an expression that showed he was listening.  
Slowly and painfully smiling for the first time in years, Gaara stood up and asked,

"Can I go to Konoha and watch Hidan and Deidara fight with each other?"

Kisame and Zetsu snorted in the corner, wishing they were close enough to Konoha to do the same.  
Pein tapped his chin thoughtfully.  
It would be very stupid on his part to send the Kazekage into the village when he could easily alert the other shinobi as to what was going on.  
Unless he had an escort, someone who could relate back to the Akatsuki what was going on…

"Fine, but only if Konan goes with you... For your protection _and_ours."

Gaara nodded in understanding as Pein gestured to the blue haired kunoichi folding origami in the corner of the room.  
He had expected something of the sort, the Akatsuki weren't _entirely _stupid after all…

* * *

**So like I said,almost all of the Akatsuki are in on this besides Kisame, Zetsu, Pein, Kakuzu and Itachi.  
So far anyway haha.  
Lols will be had.  
As always leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!**


	17. Chapter 17: Hinata

**First off I would like to thank _Scorpio' .Opal_ for all of your reviews, they make me so happy!  
I wouldn't write these if it weren't for everyones entertainment so thanks to all those who do review, I appreciate it :D**

Also want to say hello to Jessica Diaz who I met at the Armageddon convention in Melbourne.  
You read my stories and cosplayed with me but you didn't know who I was mwahahahaha!  
Nice to know that you enjoy my stories enough to tell random people (aka me) you meet about them though.

That seriously made my day XD  
And now on with the story!

* * *

Gaara watched in carefully hidden amusement as Sasori grumbled at the mirror. He looked practically identical to the Kazekage and didn't seem to be too happy about it.  
Kakuzu entered the room from behind the two Gaaras and studied them with narrowed eyes for a moment for a moment.  
Sasori and Gaara watched him with twin expressions of curiousity.  
Finally, the masked man pointed to Sasori.

"Gaara, Konan is ready to take you to the Village Hidden in the Leaf now."

Sasori scowled at the miser as Gaara approached him with his usually quiet steps and murmured a quick 'thank you' before leaving the room.  
Kakuzu narrowed his eyes and looked back to Sasori who had his arms crossed and a filthy glare upon his face.

* * *

Hidan grinned evilly as he walked towards the training grounds with Deidara.  
Much to the Jashinists amusement, the blonde had been forced to wear Kakashis clothing, his own purples becoming wet after an argument between the two that morning had triggered a brief water fight.  
To add to the image, it would appear for some strange bizarre reason that will elude humanity for the rest of its existence, Kakashi Hatake did not own a hair straightener or hair brush.  
The result was a scowling 'Ino' with a bad case of sex hair who looked very much like she would rather be back at the Akatsuki base blowing things up.  
The second that Team 7 had left with a cackling Sakura in tow, the two undercover Akatsuki had glared at each other.  
The fighting began shortly after.  
Hidan won of course, being immortal and having the advantage of a clayless Deidara.  
But that wasn't what he was interested in.  
At the moment what had captured his interest was Umino Iruka who had turned the corner and looked around frantically.  
Apparently he found what he was looking for the second his eyes latched onto Hidan.  
With a strangled cry, the chunnin made a mad dash for the Jashinist.  
Deidara eyed Hidan skeptically and was met with the infamous Copy Nin smile that Hidan had unknowingly perfected during his time in Konoha.  
Hidan turned back to face the school teacher with his smile still in place.  
Being a school teacher, the man was obviously over protective of the people he knew and probably just wanted a hug.

"Oof!"

Deidara watched with furrowed brows and a frown on his face as Iruka tackled Hidan and held him down.  
_This will certainly be interesting to watch…_  
Hidan blinked in surprise to find himself on the ground.  
_When did that happen? I should nominate Iruka for a position in the Akatsuki._  
A growl escaped the chunins throat and before Hidan could question it, the mans growled,

"Akatsuki…"

At the word, Deidara narrowed his eyes and drew a kunai, moving slightly closer to the chunnin.  
Hidan could take whatever was thrown at him sure, but precautions were needed.  
It wouldn't sit well with the doctors if he showed up at the hospital with Kakashi Hatakes decapitated head throwing threats back and forth.  
Hidan bit his lip nervously as Iruka looked down at him.  
Needless to say, he was surprised to no end when the man holding him down suddenly threw his arms around his shoulders and began to hug him.

"I heard the Akatsuki got you! Why didn't you get someone to tell me! I've been freaking out so badly!"

Hidan grinned and returned the hug in a way that made Deidara scowl.  
_Since when did Hidan get all soft?_  
His face fell even more when Sakura turned the corner and witnessed the event in front of her.  
She stopped for a second before her eyes lit up and a manic grin crossed her face.  
Before Deidara could stop her, she dashed back around the corner giggling manically.  
The blond threw his head back and grit his teeth in annoyance.  
Great. So now not only did Sakura think that Kakashi was in a relationship with Ino, she also thought he was in one with Umino Iruka.  
Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat…

* * *

Gaara walked towards Konoha with a very rare, very happy grin on his face.  
Konan walked beside him with her arms linked with his.  
She had had the intelligence and decency to actually henge instead of dressing up and now had the appearance of a girl with long red hair and blue eyes.  
Pein had decided with a scowl that for the missions sake, Konan and Gaara would be 'together'  
Being in a rather devious mood, Gaara had taken advantage of this immediately and pulled Konan closer to him by the waist, much to Peins annoyance.  
Konan had rolled her eyes and snickered at their antics.  
It wasn't every day that someone was willing to spite the leader of the Akatsuki…

And so here they were, walking side by side with the gates of the Hidden Leaf Village in perfect view.  
They would get through easily of course, Gaara being the Kazekage and all.  
A messenger hawk had been sent to Tsunade ahead of time to notify her of his arrival which meant that the gate keepers Kotetsu and Izumo should let them in without a fuss.  
Gaara grinned eagerly, a feat very unusual for himself but hey, no one was around so why the heck not?  
Konan glanced at him curiously,

"Why the grin?"

Gaara smirked and replied,

"I haven't had this much fun in a long time."

Konan smiled back and nodded.  
She liked the Kazekage, he was an intelligent guy and from what she had heard, had a troubled past.  
He probably needed some time out like this every once in a while.  
Smirking slightly to herself she mused, perhaps the Akatsuki isn't so evil as they all thought.  
As if reading her mind, Gaara murmured,

"You know, you guys really aren't as threatening and scary as Pein makes you out to be…"

Bursting out into laughter, Konan nodded her head in agreement.  
She had no illusions about the Akatsuki.  
They hadn't accomplished anything worthwhile in years, they were more of an annoyance that a danger to the other countries.  
Gaara pulled gently on her arm to slow her down as they reached the gates of Konoha.  
Izumo looked up over his game of naughts and crosses with Kotetsu and grinned up at them.  
After brief exchanges of pleasantries, Konan and Gaara moved away from the gate keepers and headed into the village.  
It wasn't long before Konan located the chakra of Hidan and Deidara.  
As they made their way towards them, Naruto jumped from a side street and tackled the Kazekage in a hug.  
He tried to anyway…  
The blonde ninja collided with a wall of sand before hitting the ground and rubbing his face, glaring at his fellow jinchurikki.  
Gaara looked down at him, the grin twitching back onto his face.  
Oh yes… He was enjoying himself immensely.  
Before Gaara could speak, Naruto cut over him.  
Pointing accusingly at Konan he narrowed his eyes,

"Who is that?"

He couldn't have someone trying to steal one of his best friends after all.  
Gaara raised an eyebrow at Naruto and motioning to Konan, replied,

"This is my… mahh…."

Gaara furrowed his nonexistent eyebrows, trying to get his mouth to work in sync with his brain.  
He had never had a girlfriend before and the idea of introducing someone as such was rather daunting.  
Looking rather lost, the Kazekage looked at Konan for help, prompting Naruto to raise an eyebrow.  
Clearing her throat awkwardly, Konan blushed,

"I'm his girlfriend."

A thick silence hung between the three shinobi.  
Naruto fought down the urge to say, "riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiight…"  
Gaara wasn't exactly a people person, how he would get a girlfriend in the first place was beyond him.  
HE couldn't even get a girlfriend and he was Naruto Uzumaki, The Leaf Villages next Hokage! By all rights he should be irresistible.  
Deciding to just go along with it, Naruto stuck his hand out with a grin,

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki."

Konan shyly took his hand and replied,

"I'm uhh…"

Gaara and Naruto raised brows at her.  
Konan gulped, they hadn't planned a name before they left and she couldn't use her real name.  
Using the first one that came to mind, Konan smiled widely,

"My name is Hinata!"

Gaara mentally face palmed.  
They already knew a Hinata…  
If it wasnt painfully obvious that she wasnt who she said she was now then it was a miracle.  
As it was, Gaara clenched his eyes shut and hoped to god that Naruto was still thick as ever.

"Hinata, huh?"

Konan and Gaara nodded their heads furiously.  
Naruto crossed one arm over his chest and use his other hand to rub his chin in thought.  
He really wasn't as stupid as everyone gave him credit for, sometimes it was just better to play along.  
Gaara was obviously up to something that he wasn't willing to talk about.  
It must be pretty serious too if the Kazekage wouldn't tell him about it.  
Deciding that this was one of those times he was going to have to just play along, Naruto grinned merrily,

"Nice to meet you, Hinata!"

Gaara and Konan sighed in relief, an action that made Naruto throw his head back in slight annoyance.  
Really? He wasn't THAT stupid was he?  
He shook his head slightly, his reputation had obviously taken a beating since he had begun to play dumb.  
The blonde glanced back up when he realized Gaara had begun speaking again.

"We are looking for Ino and Kakashi, they are off on the west side of the village. Are you coming?"

A grin returned to Narutos face instantly and he jumped to his feet with a nod and dashed off in the complete opposite direction.  
Gaara looked at Konan.  
Konan looked at Gaara.  
No matter how stupid he pretended to be, Naruto never did have a good sense of direction.

* * *

**There you go.  
I'm still kinda making this up as I go so…  
Yeah haha…  
Sorry my updates are taking so long everyone.  
As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!**

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eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee **eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep


	18. Chapter 18: Oops

**Okay first off, I'm going to refrain from 'Beeping' anymore because half of the reviews I got last chapter were about the beep and not the story XD  
They did make me laugh nonetheless though hahaha. Cookies to the people whose reviews made me laugh.  
As always, enjoy!**

* * *

"Hey Naruto!"

Konohas number 1 unpredictable ninja paused his roof jumping and glanced down at Neji, Tenten and Lee who were waving at him from the ground.  
He had been on his way to find Kakashi-sensei and hadn't yet noticed that 'Hinata' and Gaara weren't following him.  
With the usual happy smile plastered across his face, Naruto bounced down to greet them.  
As per tradition, Lee began to rant about youth and challenges and the likes while Tenten glared at him, giving him the occasional smack to the head when necessary.  
Naruto listened politely and eagerly anyway, if Lee had something to say, chances are you would end up hearing it.  
His attention was diverted to Neji however, who stepped forward and actually seemed to have something to say for once.  
Arms crossed against his chest as always, he asked,

"Have you seen Hinata?"

Mind full of his meeting with Gaara just moments ago, Naruto grinned up at Neji and replied,

"Yup, she's with Gaara."

Nejis eye twitched, going into protective cousin mode.  
Ever since the chunnin exams he had held Gaara with a wary and hesitant trust.  
Even though Naruto was obsessed with him and he had become Kazekage, it was just in Nejis nature to be cautious, even more so when his cousin was involved.  
Hinata had suffered enough by his own hand, if he could prevent any more trouble to her then he would.  
He knew that Jinchurrikis weren't people to be afraid of (one of his close friends _being _one) but he had also seen them lose control.

"Why is she with the Kazekage?"

Narutos smile dropped a bit and he looked at Neji with a tilted head, gaining the attention of Tenten and Lee in the process.

"Didn't you know? They're dating…" then remembering his mission Operation: Find Kakashi, he continued, "Oh, hey I have to go. Talk later!"

Neji spluttered and gasped in surprise and shock as the blonde ninja bounced away.  
If there was one thing Naruto didn't do, it was lie.  
Hinata and Gaara dating? The horror…  
His face turned a few shades paler as he imagined having family dinners with the very scary, very intimidating Kazekage.  
I mean sure it would be a good marriage status wise but come on!  
Not to mention the children they would have!  
Red headed Hyuugas, oh the humanity!  
Just the thought of Hinata engaging in such acts…  
Nejis eyes rolled into the back of his head and before Tenten could ask what was wrong, he passed out cold.

* * *

Gaara and Konan walked towards Hidans chakra signal at a comfortable pace.  
Oh how excited they were to see the trouble the more troublesome of the Akatsuki had gotten up to.  
Gaara would be lying if he said he wasn't excited, by now Hidan and Deidara were probably panicking like no tomorrow.  
The Akatsuki are foolish…  
Although he shouldn't include the entire organization in that category, he thought as he glanced at the disguised kunoichi beside him.  
He found that he got along quite well with Konan and cursed his luck that such an intelligent and amusing woman had to be a missing nin.  
Perhaps he could befriend her properly and they could sneak out to meet each other on occasion?  
He knew that Naruto and Itachi did it and got away with it well enough, that is, the entire Akatsuki (minus Pein) knew about it but didn't really give a shit.  
It probably wouldn't work as well for himself and Konan however, he thought with a hint of sadness; his status as Kazekage might complicate matters considering he couldn't even walk through the streets without three armed guards stalking his every move (hell, they even followed him to the bathroom).  
No, unfortunately friendship with Konan was out of the question after today.  
Oh well, at least he could pass his greetings to Naruto to Itachi to her.  
Significantly cheered at the thought, the Kazekage waved cheerily to Kiba, Shino and Sakura as he walked by, receiving raised eyebrows at his unusual mood.  
After three days left alone in Konoha (and he knew how crazy that could be) Hidan would be well and truly sick of life.  
Gaara smirked and looked up to Konan,

"Things can get pretty hectic around here… I bet when we find Hidan he will be wishing suicide was an option."

Konan snorted and nodded in agreement.  
It wasn't long after they had entered the gate that they saw two men in green having a race over the rooftops on their hands, the sight making Konan blink at their antics.  
Oh yes, Hidan would be freaking out…  
It was as they were giggling about this did an angry shout from behind them alert Konan and Gaara to the presence of er… Ino.

"Danna I'm going to kill you, yeah!"

At the shout, Sakura, Kiba and Shino turned to watch the development curiously as the blonde stormed over to Gaara.  
Everyone presents eyes went wide as the blonde pounced on the redhead and began to punch him repeatedly.  
Gazing at the scene in shock, it wasn't until a feral growl escaped the Kazekages throat did anyone react.  
A hoard of insects flew towards the squabbling pair and Akamaru bit firmly into Deidaras new (Kakashis old) pants to drag him away.  
Sakura, and Konan helped Gaara up, shooting cautious glances at the very confused 'Ino', whom was being restrained by Kiba and Shino.  
It occurred to Konan that Deidara had probably recognized her chakra signal and had glanced briefly at Gaara before assuming that it was Sasori in disguise.  
After all, it was pretty farfetched to assume the Kazekage was in on the Akatsukis plans (which of late seemed to be nothing more than dressing up and invading villages then sending more people in dress-ups to save the invaders.)  
Despite being extremely annoyed at the blonde, Gaara recognized the mistake and thanked the lord that his darkened eyelids would hide the black eye he had no doubt received.  
Glaring slightly at Deidara (whom everyone else was still convinced was Ino) Konan shook her head and muttered just loud enough for the blond to hear,

"What a stupid thing to do, hitting the Kazekage."

Deidara looked momentarily confused until a large amount of sand drifted out of the gourd on Gaaras back and hovered menacingly in the air.  
All at once everything fell into place and Deidara paled.  
Grinning sheepishly and rubbing the back of his neck, the terrorist murmured,

"Sorry Kazekage-sama… I thought you were someone else…"

The excuse sounded stupid, even to himself, but before Sakura could scold 'Ino' for it, Gaara cut over them, his dry monotone erasing any previous ideas of punishment from those present.

"Ino, you will accompany me and Hinata."

Deidara gulped and stood up shakily, wandering over to the strange pair as three sets of eyes followed him without envy.  
Sakura tilted her head, not realising that Gaara was referring to the girl (Konan) beside him.

"Kazekage-sama… Why is Hinata going with you?"

The pink haired shinobi knew that it wasn't really any of her business what Gaara did, but with both him and Hinata being friends of hers, she felt an overwhelming curiosity to ask.  
As it was, Gaara seemed happy enough to answer, turning to face her with a barely noticeable smile and murmuring,

"Because she is my… my g-… my girl…friend."

Shino, who was not known to physically react to well… anything, jumped in surprise and had anyone been able to see his eyes, they would have noticed them bugging (forgive the pun) out.  
Kiba, who was also one of Hinatas team mates and who had no idea of this development, gaped in shock.  
Sakura blinked and didn't move.  
Deidara didn't really react, having not yet met the real Hinata and as such, not really caring.  
Instead, he stood and followed the Kazekage and Konan, accompanying them on their search for Hidan.  
As they walked away, Sakura turned and whispered to Kiba and Shino.

"One of you needs to tell Neji about Hinata and Gaara, he has to know. And I will go and tell Tsunade-sama about the Kazekage being here and… I will have to tell her that Ino punched him, as much as I hate to say it…"

Kiba and Shino nodded, opting to leave now and wander off to find Neji, Akamarus nose leading them straight to the Hyuuga.

* * *

"Sooo… You are the real Kazekage then…?"

Silence.  
Deidara glanced at Konan nervously and she rolled her eyes, replying,

"Yes he is. Sasori has gone to Suna disguised as Gaara so that he can distract the real Kakashi Hatake with missions while we get you and Hidan out."

Deidara raised an eyebrow and glanced at Gaara in surprise.

"And you're okay with this?"

Gaara nodded, not really bothering to reply, prompting Deidara to frown slightly.  
Why the hell would the Kazekage be okay with being kidnapped and replaced…?  
Did he have something to gain from it?  
As far as he knew, the Akatsuki didn't really think rescue plans through, most of them being spur of the moment decisions usually consisting of stupid disguises and games of 'rock, paper, scissors' to decided who will wear them.  
Not that they even needed rescuing in the first place…

"Why are you going along with this?"

Much to Deidaras fright, the Kazekage smirked.

"Because it's funny…"

Deidara scowled and crossed his arms.  
It was NOT funny…

* * *

**J'utilise Google Translate pour ce faire, donc pas de haine de quelqu'un qui parle français fait ...**  
**J'espère que vous avez apprécié le chapitre haha**  
**Comme toujours laisser vos taux, critiques, plaintes et des excuses pathétiques après le bip.**  
**beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeep**


	19. Chapter 19: Logic vs Sandstorms

**First off, I'm sorry for not updating this in a while and I thank you all for being patient.  
That being said, this IS a short chapter.  
I'll get to work on the rest of the story soon kaaaaaaay?**

* * *

Kakashi, Ino, Asuma, Shikamaru and Choji sat in the Kazekages office before Sabaku no Gaara.  
Despite knowing the 5 shinobi before him very well, Gaara seemed nervous, continuously twitching his head to the side and frequently adjusting the large gourd on his shoulders – a quirk that Shikamaru found very odd considering the usual, placid and statue-like nature of the Kazekage.  
They had been summoned before Gaara just as they were about to leave the village, for what reason they had yet to find out.  
But if the Kazekage had requested them personally, it must have been important… right?

"So, Kazekage-sama," Asuma began, prompting Gaara to jump slightly and knock over a small bottle of ink, "How can we be of service?"

Clearing his throat, 'Gaara' hastily mopped up the black inky liquid with a tissue before he began.  
In all truth, he had no idea why he had summoned them, all he knew was that he had to delay them from returning to Konoha.  
When Sasori was last in Sunagakure, nearly 30 years ago, the village had had terrible problems with excess sand being blown in from sand storms – they still did of course, living in a desert and all.  
It was the first thing that popped into his mind when Asuma and Kakashi looked at him so intently.

"I uh… Need you to er… stop the sand… storms…"

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow whilst Ino burst into giggles, clearly thinking that 'Gaara' was making a very out of character joke._  
Yes well… Not the quickest thinking on my part_, Sasori frowned to himself.  
He glanced back and forth between the 5 shinobi, putting on the best serious face he could muster.  
Whether it worked or not was any ones guess, although Kakashi rolled his eyes to the ceiling with a tilted head, actually looking thoughtful of the idea.

"Kazekage-sama… I'm… tempted to believe that you are joking…?"

Sasori glanced at Shikamaru nervously.  
Pein had warned him in advance of the lazy Konoha jounin.  
Lazy as hell, smart as fuck – his exact words according to memory.  
It wouldn't matter of course, as long as he stayed in character… Which conveniently, was the problem.  
Gaara hadn't even been born when Sasori had left Sunagakure, his personality quirks and background traits being foreign to the puppet master.  
In the short amount of time he had spent with Gaara, all Sasori had learnt was that he was quiet, to the point and showed pretty much no emotion.  
If he was to continue this charade, no jokes were to be made.

"No, Shikamaru. I am not joking."

Choji looked up from his packet of chips in confusion.

"How are we supposed to stop the sandstorms?"

As tempted as he was to practice what Tobi had began to call 'head-desking', which was essentially the same as face-palming… but with a desk… and your head… Sasori resisted, instead listening to the input Ino had oh so intelligently made, "You can't stop sandstorms, it's against gravity and momentum and physics and stuff."  
Sighing heavily and throwing his head back in revulsion of the idiotic girl, Sasori had to at least admit that where intelligence was concerned, Deidara had definitely picked the right person to impersonate.

"So stopping sand goes against the laws of nature, but walking on water, walking up walls, jumping to bizarre heights-"

As Sasori continued with his list, he slowly stood up, physically voicing his displeasure at being denied his self admittedly stupid request.  
It wasn't until Asuma chuckled that things began to get personal.  
Pointing at each of the shinobi before him in turn, Sasori continued angrily,

"-breathing fire through a mask without setting it aflame, wearing next to nothing clothes without getting sick, using air to make your weapons stronger, becoming a bottomless pit to make room for the unfathomable amount of food you eat, being smart enough to solve all the worlds problems but instead lazing around watching clouds and not to mention- "

Jumping on top of his desk in a fit of irritable enthusiasm, Sasori gestured to everyone present and cried out,

"-We are all freaking ninjas with superpowers! I fail to see how you can't stop a bit of sand with your 'amazing' capabilities!"

Standing on top of his desk glaring down at the Konoha shinobi, Sasori realized that despite his argument _seeming _valid, it really really wasn't…  
The Hidden Leaf shinobi seemed to notice it too, but it wouldn't do well for Konoha to refuse to help Sunagakure, especially when the Kazekage had asked so _nicely_.  
Shikamaru sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, deep in thought,

"I guess we could build a barrier of some kind…"

Sasori jumped down from the desk and smirked.  
Maybe he should have stayed in Suna and become the Kazekage instead of leaving to become a missing nin…  
He had a feeling it would have been fun.

* * *

**Short chapter I know…  
But I have to stop and seriously consider where I am going with this story.  
It really was a spur of the moment idea and I didn't really think it through.  
Expect updates soon… just not REALLY soon lol.  
As always, leave your rates, reviews complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!  
JNJVBWEIVB;ERVUEOPIVJJB – Baby speak for beep**


	20. Chapter 20: Accusations - Sandstorm Cure

**I'm sorry all my stories are taking so long to update.**  
**Work is killing me - nearly literally.**  
**Anyway, enjoy this chapter while you can.**  
**I've decided I have dragged out this nonsense long enough and am starting to drag it in now. **  
**A few more chapters and I will end this story too haha.**  
**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. I never expected this to get over 100 :D**

* * *

It was much to the amusement of Sasori that Kakashi, Shikamaru, Choji, Asuma and Ino returned to him after a few hours of planning with an actual plan on how to stop the sandstorms.  
Apparently, Kakashis Sharingan has the ability to send objects into another dimension… So why not sand?  
Granted, it was going to be a very tedious job on the Copy Nins part and if the plan was carried out it would basically spell the end of his freedom.  
But oh well, Sasori could really care less anyway.  
As long as he kept the sand out of Suna everything would be fine…

* * *

"Hey! Hey you! Hida- uh I mean… Kakashi!"

Hidan turned to look at the small group of people approaching him.  
Deidara was back accompanied by two others that he couldn't yet see properly.  
He sighed.  
At least it wasn't Iruka come back for more cuddling and snuggles…_  
I swear that man has a crush on me…_  
It had taken Hidan 15 whole minutes to pry Iruka away from him and another 10 to find a reason to get him to leave.  
Randomly crying out, "Oh no there is a dying gennin over there!" seemed to do the trick.  
He would be lying if he said that talking to Iruka wasn't interesting though, even while he WAS trying to get rid of the man.  
Apparently, and much to Hidans amusement, Hanabi Hyuuga had been charged with causing grievous bodily harm, assault, possessing a weapon and attempted murder among other things.  
He almost felt sorry for the little brat.  
But then… She was only ten, maybe she would get off easy?  
Whatever the case, Iruka had finally left and Hidan had headed off to find a memorial stone that Naruto mentioned the real Kakashi spent time at.  
He never got there.

"Kakashi! Hold up, yeah!?"

Sighing, Hidan turned around to stare boredly at Deidara as he bounced over to him followed by an unknown girl and…  
His eyes widened comically before he pounced.

"SASORI YOU BASTARD! WHY WOULD YOU SEND HIM IN TO TORMENT ME!?"

Gaara once again found himself pinned to the ground dodging fists that came his way.  
Safe to say, he wasn't too pleased about it.  
But from what he had heard, Hidan was immortal, right?  
So that means…

"SAND COFFIN!"

"AARGH WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Deidara and Konan watched on in silence as the Kazekage and Hidan had their own little battle, lost in their own world.  
Hidans hand had been crushed beyond recognition by Gaaras sand but it didn't stop him from using it.  
They winced in unison as the broken limb slapped Gaara a few times.  
The fight continued for a moment more before Konan realized they were attracting unwanted attention.  
It definitely would not do for Kakashi to be seen punching the Kazekage.  
Grabbing Hidans shirt in one hand and Gaaras in the other, she picked them up and lifted them in the air until their feet were off the ground.  
Growling lowly at them, Konan ground out,

"This is Kazekage Gaara, this is Hidan. Now both of you shut up and let's find somewhere to walk."

* * *

"So… You are okay with being kidnapped and impersonated…?"

"Yes."

"Uh huh… So why are you agreeing to all of this?"

"Because it's funny"

Hidan raised an eyebrow at the smirking Kazekage.  
Who seriously helped out criminals because they thought it was funny?  
From beside them, Deidara scowled,

"Prick, un…"

To which Gaaras smirk grew even more.

* * *

"I'm sorry Kazekage-sama… But even though we HAVE found the solution to your sandstorm problems, we cannot stay here forever to fend them off…"

Sasori listened in annoyance as Shikamaru listed off the many reasons why Kakashi Hatake was needed in the Hidden Leaf Village.  
Whatever, he didn't really care.  
Cutting off the intelligent shinobi before he could start on the list properly, Sasori yawned,

"I understand that Kakashi Hatake cannot stay. My asking of you to find a solution to my problems was just a test."

Asuma and Ino raised simultaneous eyebrows.

"A… test?"

Sasori nodded and watched them all carefully.  
They stared back at him, waiting for an answer that Sasori didn't have.  
Give him some credit after all, he was improvising on the spot.  
And no doubt he would have continued to do so had a messenger nin not ruined the entire thing…

The doors of the Kazekage office slammed and a very confused looking man entered the room.  
Glancing around at the shinobi gathered in front of the desk, the man cleared his throat and held a scroll before himself awkwardly,

"We received a message from the Hokage, Kazekage-sama…"

Sasori nodded for the man to continue.  
For his part, the messenger stumbled over his words with more grace than other men in his situation would.  
His current task of informing the Kazekage of Tsunades letter was a troublesome one…

"The Hokage, Tsunade apologises to you…"

Sasori furrowed his brows and tilted his head.  
Why the hell was he getting an apology?  
The messenger seemed to foretell his confusion and continued,

"She sends her apologies… And has promised that Ino Yamanaka will be punished for her crimes."

Ino jumped on the spot and whirled around in shock.

"Excuse me? I will be punished for what crimes?!"

Sasori unconsciously tugged on the collar of his robes, well aware that whatever was about to come out of the messengers mouth was going to have been Deidaras doing.  
Looking nervous as hell, the man continued,

"According to the message scroll… You… Punched the Kazekage repeatedly…"

Ino shrieked in shock, horror and disbelief before snatching wildly for the scroll the man shakily held.  
While her eyes grew wide as she read the charges against her, the messenger pulled out another scroll and read,

"We also have a summons for Kakashi Hatake."

The Copy Nins head snapped in the direction of the guard and his visible eye narrowed.  
While Ino fell to the floor in hysterics behind him, Kakashi moved towards the man and rolled his hand, insinuating that the messenger should elaborate.  
Grinning nervously and voice squeaking under the intensifying pressure in the room, he read out,

"You are required to go through a medical examination after you were very nearly dismembered and stabbed through the heart by a 10 year old… And… You also have charges against you…"

Sasori watched the scene with interest, knowing that the chances were, if they figured out that there were imposters in Konoha (which they would) he himself posing as the Kazekage would probably be safe.  
Asuma, Choji and Shikamaru furrowed their brows and frowned at all the strange information that had apparently come direct from the Hokage.  
Choji comforted Ino on the floor as she gasped through sobs of disbelief and shock.  
Kakashi had narrowed his eyes further at the messenger, who was now sweating.  
Reading the last of the words on the scroll, he finished,

"You are charged with indecent sexual relations with a student."

Whatever Kakashi expected, it wasn't that.  
Letting his cool demeanour slip, he hesitantly stuttered,

"Wh-what student?"

Gulping and raising his hands defensively in preparation for the worst, the messenger whispered,

"Ino Yamanaka…"

Sasori squeezed his eyes shut in annoyance.  
He didn't know what the hell Hidan and Deidara had been doing (and he didn't WANT to know) but why why why did it all have to come out now…?  
Kakashis mouth had dropped open in shock at the revelation.  
He glanced around the room in disbelief, his eye falling upon Asuma who was glaring accusingly at him and looking very much like he was considering becoming a missing nin and killing Kakashi on the spot.  
Ino, too, looked shocked and was shaking her head and letting out strange noises to dispute what had been said.  
Sighing, rubbing his forehead and inching away from Asuma, Kakashi murmured,

"I think… There has been a horrible, horrible mistake…"

Sasori tried to cover up a snigger at the events before him.  
It wasn't really THAT funny…  
Well yes it was, but now wasn't the time to laugh about it.  
If Deidara and Hidan weren't out of Konoha now, then that is their own fault.  
Sasori had delayed Kakashi and Ino for over 2 days – that should be enough.

"Are you sure there has been a mistake, Kakashi…?"

All eyes flew to Asuma as Sasori was ripped from his thoughts.  
Kakashi raised an eyebrow before furrowing it in confusion.  
Pointing at the Copy Nin, Asuma continued,

"I recall seeing you with a bloodstained jounin jacket and a very serious looking wound to your chest a few days ago. Are you SURE there has been a mistake?"

Choji piped up in agreement,

"Now that you mention it, we did see Kakashi covered in blood… He paid you the money you owed him and you gave him your jacket in exchange for his bloodied one."

Asuma nodded without taking his eyes off Kakashi.  
A very heated glare was being focused upon his team mate and the Copy Nin wasn't sure he liked it.  
Sasori didn't either.  
Clearing his throat, the puppet master waved his hand in dismissal,

"Well it sounds like you all have a lot to work out… I suppose you should probably head back to Konoha and sort out who has been punching Kages and who has been having secret affairs with students behind everyones backs…"

Then, unable to help himself, Sasori added,

"It _would_ explain why you are always so late you know, Kakashi…"

Asumas glare darkened as Shikamaru nodded to Sasori in farewell and dragged the two jounins out of the room.  
Choji followed, as did the guard.  
Ino stayed behind however, glancing at the Kazekage with tearful eyes and biting her lip.  
Sasori couldn't help but feel a little bit bad for her.  
She HAD been accused of copulating with her best friends sensei after all..  
Not to mention hitting a superior.  
She sniffed slightly and whispered to Sasori,

"I didn't hit you, Gaara… Did I?"

Sasori momentarily pondered whether or not he should tell her the truth or lie.  
He stayed silent for a moment, observing the girl before him.  
Ino probably had her share of mistakes in her lifetime, but the penalty for attacking a Kage was death.  
Sasori doubted she deserved that.  
Not to mention that Gaara would probably step in before it could be carried out anyway.  
Shaking his head, Sasori replied,

"No, Ino. You did not."

She visibly sighed with relief and a few tears fell from her eyes.

"Go back to Konoha with the others, everything will be sorted out there."

Ino nodded tearfully and turned to leave.  
When she had her hand on the door knob, Sasori called,

"And don't worry…"

Ino glanced back to find him sitting back in his chair grinning coyly.

"I know you aren't in a relationship of any kind with Kakashi.'

When she had left, Sasori sighed and buried his face in his palms,

"I don't care that I will live forever, I am way too old for this…"

* * *

**Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I am too old to be writing (not really)**  
**19 isnt too old is it? Is it!?**

**I didnt think so...**

**As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep!**  
**BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP**


End file.
